Thursday, December 27, 2012

New Year's Resolutions

I feel semi-obligated to write this post as someone who has a blog. I wouldn't call myself a "blogger" per say, but still.  Resolutions are usually something that I am really into, or completely pass by. I'm never one to force them. Also, as a Jew, I have the advantage of getting a chance in early fall to make resolutions as well. For those of you who are paying attention, early fall was particularly tumultuous for me, so any resolutions I make now would just be coming from a much different place.

One year, my new year's resolution was to stop crossing arms in front of my chest. There were a few times where I would catch myself doing it and have a small freak out then throw my arms down like Sister Mary Margaret of SNL. I'm pretty sure that doing that was weirder than the negative vibes crossing your arms puts out. I still try to avoid this gesture, and am significantly more conscious of it when I do allow myself to do it.

Since I broke up with T, I've been working hard to be happy and improving myself. This includes reconnecting with my friends and family and getting healthier. I have lost some weight, but I can't quantify it because I left the scale I owned at the house I shared with T and haven't replaced it. I feel like I'm in a good place right now, but would still like to strive for some things in the year to come.

Happy 2013!

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Relationship corner, latkes and finals

So I haven't been posting a lot lately. School temporarily took over my life. I feel like every semester seems so awful towards the end. Happy to report that I'm on my way to my finance final which officially ends the semester. This was my 5th semester and my first one single. So much has changed since September. I even talked to T on my first day as I did in the precious 4 semesters. Strange to imagine. I know I'm putti a lot of pressure on myself this semester because I have been single and could devote more time to school work. We will see.

Last weekend, I visited my Chicago cousins for Hanukkah. It wasn't so much planned that I'd be there for the holiday, but I'm glad I was. The girls are growing up too fast for me to only see them in the summer. Hanukkah was a huge success and I made my first latkes without my mom or sister watching. I managed to get some studying in too and hopefully tonight will go well.

My cousin I is married to this amazing woman M. They are one of those couples that just for so perfectly together and it's an added bonus that I get to have her it family too. Years ago, M was frustrated with her single marital status. Her sister in law helped her fung shui her apartment and famously removed the dirty laundry from her relationship corner. One month later, M and I met and the rest is history. We discussed this over the weekend and she lent me the red vase that replaced her dirty laundry and landed her a husband. We'll see if it works. We were joking thy I would mail I back after the honeymoon and that if they started to argue more I would send it back in a hurry. Not sure I completely buy into this stuff, but it is fun nonetheless.

I feel like I'm opening myself up to dating a little more, but that will be another post.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Today's Horoscope

This was my horoscope this morning:
There are days when you feel wonderful without being able to attribute the feeling to any real event. Of course, your rational mind will search for a reason for your happiness. But if you count the number of times when you do things against your will, or vice-versa, it becomes obvious that logic and reason do not always apply to this world. Don't even try to understand; just enjoy!

Friday, November 30, 2012


I feel like I'm in the stage where I'm mostly over the break up and don't think about it too often, but I occasionally find myself doing things T frowned upon. Most frequent offender: not drying my hair before I leave the house.

Today I'm wearing a ponytail at work and have been boycotting the bobby pins that hold my few short pieces neatly in place. Because I can. I never had a huge issue with tucking a little hair behind my ears. I don't look like I went through a wind tunnel or anything, but maybe some hair out of place can actually be more attractive.

Happy Friday!

Monday, November 26, 2012

Thanksgiving Reflections

So I survived Thanksgiving with my family. I was a little nervous that it would be rough because it's my first holiday solo, but I think it went well. I definitely had a headache all day on Thursday. It might have been stress related, I couldn't help but think about T and his family a little going into such a major holiday. I have to remember it's not my responsibility anymore. This might have been catalyzed by a facebook app glitch showing me his FB profile pic on Wednesday afternoon. His new profile picture is of him and his new girlfriend. He looks thin which worries me a little, but also it hurt a bit because he never seemed to want to have me in his profile picture. I managed to delete or archive the conversation and cursed out the facebook app for once again sucking.

My mom and I talked about it a little on Thursday afternoon while we were sitting around in between dinner prep activities. It helped to talk about it a little, even though I didn't want to acknowledge the situation at all. I think I forget that I'm still healing a little. True to form, I'm just anxious to be at the next step. 

Overall, the weekend was relaxing. I spent a lot of time with my family and caught up on a bulk of my homework. My dad has become very affectionate in his retirement which is cute. I showed him how to change electrical outlets and he was really excited. My sister's room's outlets were horribly worn out, so we decided to do those right away. Our plan is to replace all the switches and outlets in the house while I'm home for a week and a half in December. My parents have slowly been fixing up the house and now with white molding everywhere, it's time to replace the old almond colored hardware. My dad was actually excited when he figured out that the porch light wasn't working properly because the switch was worn out. My mom is excited to have the switches match and have them just look nicer in general.

Got home late. I feel like my apartment is a mess, but that's ok. Managed to work out twice over the weekend, so hopefully the 4 pieces of pumpkin pie, and 3 pieces of chocolate cake won't follow me around for too long.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Leave me alone!!

So I was watching an old episode of Teen Mom 2 the other night, and Janelle and Barb had a fight that ended in Janelle screaming "LEAVE ME ALONE!!" Then it was playing in my head for the rest of the week. I hate when that happens, but a similar incident inspired me to name my future goldfish Shania and Goldie (story another day). I digress...

So over the weekend while I was running around Manhattan with my mom and sister and decided I was over online dating. It was feeling like a chore. My friend had expressed concern the week before and it was weighing on me. I had quit Plenty of Fish (by quit I mean, stop logging in and deleting the app from my phone) because I had narrowly escaped a second episode of someone sending me a picture of their boy parts. (Side note: wtf) I've been joking with friends that I don't want a relationship, but a friends with benefits; or I've been joking that I want to at least pretend I'm dating someone before they see me naked. The magic of POF had just worn off. The only semi-promising guys would just fade into oblivion or only write back every other day. OKCupid seemed to be going better, the site has more substance to it. I even spoke on the phone with a guy, but it was boring and felt like a shitty job interview. It occurred to me that I really didn't have time to be dating. So, I sort of stopped checking my messages on there. Users can see the last time the person logged in, and I'm on strike. I totally left in the middle of a conversation with a guy that showed promise, but enough is enough. And part of this whole new chapter thing is that I can do whatever I want.

And then, there's this friend of mine from college. We started texting over a week ago. He's already learned my weekly schedule and has been texting me VERY regularly. It would be cute, if I wasn't so sure he was rebounding, or if I was interested like that, or if I didn't feel so smothered. I seem to feel smothered VERY easily. I'm trying to not respond as much aka walking the line between being an elusive bitch and not expressing too much mutual interest.

So that's that. I'm enjoying my "me" time and don't really want someone in the mix just yet. Although, sometimes I feel differently.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Friday edition

So last week, I felt really bummed out for no particular reason. It could have been for one of several reasons. I had just purchased a car, interviewed for three different positions and was doing well (officially) in school. Part of me felt funny for experiencing all of these things without telling T. It's strange to not share my life with him anymore. I think the peak of my feeling bad was on the anniversary of my friend's death, which I didn't associate until later in the day.

Anyway, this week has been great. Very crazy, but great. My boss was on vacation so I was mostly holding down the fort by myself. By yesterday afternoon, I was joking about tipping over carts filled with product in a rage. Nothing was really going my way and everything seemed annoying. I'm pretty good about not taking my work home with me in an emotional sense and was able to recover via butt-kicking at the gym.

I feel like I'm settled into single life. I'm happy with myself and not in a rush to add someone into the mix. Thinking about taking a break from my online dating forays. I stopped checking my Plenty of Fish account because it was just too many sketchballs. Will keep OKCupid active, but will lower my expectations.

Excited for the weekend. Going to NYC with my mom and my sister to see Evita on Broadway. Could really use some sleep, but oh well!!

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Ups and Downs

People keep telling me that I should expect good days and bad days, but I'm not a huge fan of the bad days. I haven't really had one in a few weeks so I suppose I'm entitled, but I'd really rather not.

Last night I had trouble falling asleep and felt lonely and anxious to just have a new guy in my life. I wonder if I'm missing out on this whole rebound thing. It could be fun, but I almost feel like I'm too old and too rational. Last night I found myself missing my senior year of college social life, no strings, no expectations.

Today I even miss T a little. Then I remember how awful that was most of the time and remember how much better off I am. I think I mostly miss the idea of him. It's so strange that I have a these major things going on in my life, and he has no idea. It's not so much that I want to call him and him, it's just strange. Don't get me wrong, I'm still confident that cutting him out of my life completely brought me more peace than I could have anticipated.

So there we are.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

What I want to add to my online dating profile

In no particular order

1) I can tell when you copy/paste the same message over and over. Especially when you write the same exact message to me twice.

2) not really into this new facial hair fad. Sorry

3) I'm Italian but not into gorilla juice heads

4) Please don't lie about your age or height. I can tell.

4a) if you are old enough to have conceived a child in the early 80s, you are disgusting. You are old enough to be my father. I have a great relationship with my Dad and don't need another.....who wants to see me naked no less.

5) It is not cute or endearing for you to use a pet name before we've met or DTRed. Especially if that name is princess. Gross


So I'm feeling pretty good about everything. I find myself to be more rational and easy going, less emotional and upset all the time. It's great. I know I'm lucky to have such an amazing support system and a handful of great positive female role models. My maternal grandmother was widowed in her late 20s and managed to raise two children and then go get a college degree. Her sister in law, taught in Harlem and was really independent until she fell head over heels for a nice Jewish doctor. It's nice to know I have it in my DNA to be awesome. :)


I've been playing around on two free online dating websites. Most of my encounters (thankfully not in person) have been weird or they seem great then fizzle or take a weird turn. I'm really hoping someone just falls into my lap and I can avoid this whole thing. I feel like I keep getting contacted by men old enough to have been my father and I also have this terrible feeling that every single guy in Boston has serious facial hair. I just don't like it! On the other hand, I haven't exactly set myself up schedule wise for dating. I'm not sure when exactly I'm supposed to be dating. Meh :)

Saturday, October 13, 2012


I want to say that in general, I think the positive changes to my life far out weigh the bad.

I'm really starting to miss aspects of suburban housewife life. I miss having parking lots everywhere. I miss my amazing kitchen. I miss having a garbage disposal and a dishwasher. I miss my cleaning lady. I'm having serious manicure scruples. (Rich people problems).

I know I can get most of those suburban things back one day and enjoy the rest of my life a little more at the same time.

I feel like my relationships with those close to me are stronger than they were before. I'm not sure if its because they disapproved of T or if it was just because the real me was slightly stifled (still recovering her, by the way). My sister and her husband have become more of my friends lately than just my family. I truly appreciate it. It's like it was when we were younger an significantly more comfortable with each other. Maybe they feel the need to protect me/take care of me more, but it might also be because my schedule is more flexible and we can hang out more often. I feel like I'm closer with my friends again, which is great. One of my college friends said to her husband "I feel like we're getting our Meredith back."

I hope more positive changes evolve from this adjustment, we'll have to wait and see.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Wednesday Vent

So after canceling my 2nd date for last Saturday night and talking to my therapist about "reasonable expectations", I've still been playing around on Plenty of Fish, but emphasizing on the playing. This one guy kept asking for my number because he didn't check his POF email that often. I wasn't feeling it, but finally last night I gave in. Mistake. He seemed pushy via email, he's been really pushy via text. I'm going to have to investigate getting a 2nd phone number. He was trying to get me to commit to meeting him for drinks. I said that I was pretty booked up for the week and wasn't much for making plans far in advance. This is mostly true. He seemed disappointed. Yep, I already feel like I'm disappointing this guy and I've never met him. When I went to say goodnight last night, he said "ok I'll talk to you tomorrow". Um, ok. This morning at 7:20am, I got a good morning text. Which would be super cute, if we were dating. Just got a "hi" text. I spoke to my BFF this morning about it and decided to ignore until it went away, but I expect an angry text at some point. I know I should probably just be upfront with him and tell him I'm not interested anymore, but I don't exactly owe him anything. Also, I'm curious if I can correctly predict the angry blow off reaction. I think I need to be with someone easy going, if anyone at all, and definitely not an eager beaver easily disappointed guy.

I started to have a protein shake every morning again. Maybe it's the placebo effect, but I definitely feel better about life than I did last week. Having a night off from school and a night off from volunteering this week is helping. Can't wait to relax tonight. Maybe get a leg up on some homework like a nerd.

Fun story:
I ordered a silverware caddy on Amazon last week. By accident, I sent it to my BFF in VA who happens to have a birthday this week. Before I realized this, the package arrived at her house. Conversation that happened between BFF & Wife:

Wife: Hey did you order something because a packaged arrived today?
BFF: No I didn't.
Wife: Oh maybe it's a birthday present. I'm going to open it in case you're not supposed to open it yet.
Wife: Um...if this is a birthday present, somebody doesn't love you.

Fast forward a few hours later, I emailed them and reported the mix-up. All is well.

"Remember that time I got you a silverware caddy for your birthday?"

Monday, October 8, 2012

It's amazing what a relaxing weekend will do for you

Even though I don't get Columbus day off and I worked this Friday, I still managed to relax a lot this weekend.

I caught up on sleep a little, saw my therapist, got my haircut and went shopping on Sunday. I wish I got caught up on homework more and/or went to the gym, but oh well. This morning I woke up feeling refreshed and ready to re-tackle the world.

Hopefully I can continue to focus on me. I think re-focusing on weight loss and saving moneywill help also.

Happy Columbus Day!

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Flip flopping

This morning I found myself smiling for no reason for the first time in a while. Even though I hadn't slept well again, I had texted a little bit with the guy from last weekend before bed. I was excited to be dating in the present tense. By late afternoon, I just felt overwhelmed and emotional about the whole thing.

I wonder if I rushed into this whole thing. I know I'm not really ready to be in a serious relationship, especially because T can still upset me SO much and keep me dwelling for a few days. I feel like I'm lying by omission by not saying in my profile "just got out of super serious long term relationship that was emotionally brutal, but anxious to get over it and start my adult life and have kids before my ovaries are dried up" I don't think my eyes or boobs will make up for that grenade.

Part of me wants to just go with the flow and see what happens. I'm definitely a little afraid of self sabotage. However, I am so used to being subservient (for lack of a better word) that I'm afraid I don't know how to be bold/decisive/an equal partner. I think in general I'm pretty old fashioned and would prefer to be pursued, but also I think it keeps me a little more emotionally safe.

Part of me knows that I deserve to be happy, to be in a healthy space. I also know that I am in mourning. What absolutely terrifies me as ridiculous as it seems is that by the Charlotte York rule of breakup thumb, I won't get over T for almost 3 years. (See note above re: ovaries). I just don't want to waste my life on negative feelings. I don't regret my relationship with T, but I don't want to let it occupy any more of my life. I know I did the best I could and it wasn't enough.

So I suppose I should just put one foot in front of the other, but I am a little worried that I might break out into hysterics (crying or panicking or both) without much warning. Full disclosure: one time in college this happened during an intimate encounter and it was not pretty. It was also embarrassing. So imagine bursting into tears while naked and then feeling bad about it, then try to pull yourself together in a hurry before anyone notices.

I assume I will go back and forth on this for a while, but I have to trust that someone is still looking out for me up there and everything will be ok in the end.

Monday, October 1, 2012

First First Date

So one time in college, I was bored and signed up for a 3 day trial on I went on one date and it was horrible. Like walk home along Newbury street and retail therapy horrible. I was a horrible date, he was a horrible date. So it was mutual. I mostly felt betrayed by his false advertising pictures. Anyway, it was horrible and I hoped that I would never have to online date ever again for the rest of my life. So far, not going as planned.

So on Friday afternoon, I took it upon myself to set up a plenty of fish profile. Mostly because it's a free site and seems to be low risk. It is sort of overwhelming. I've been getting a lot of emails, but most of them are "How u doin?" Ugh. I don't think I should be in a serious relationship RIGHT now, but I still don't want to spend time with someone who is a total waste of time. Being the hetero-normal lady I am, I'm not planning on initiating much really, rather just responding. I got an email from someone that seemed to meet my very superficial criteria. (I don't want to date someone significantly younger than me. Older would be better, but I'm not going after a 24 year old. Eff that. Also, I don't want to date short guys, guys with kids already or guys that are already losing their hair (and are ugly). Hey, I said it was superficial.)

Anyway, we emailed back and forth for most of the weekend and decided to meet in person yesterday afternoon. I was SO nervous. What do I wear? How do I find him? Is it going to be horrible? Then how to I escape? I had trouble doing my homework yesterday afternoon, and then went into full blown freak out about an hour before. I think it went well. We both seemed to have an easy time talking, but I'm afraid I word vomited all over him a few too many times. We'll see if he calls me again. I liked him and could see myself being comfortable spending time with him, but I'm not sure if it was quite the attraction I was hoping for. We'll see. What is it? Girls are pressure cookers, guys are microwaves?

Stay tuned!

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Music of the moment

I typically listen to audio books in the car, but I ran out and haven't quite hooked up my new library situation. So I've been listening to the radio, and getting bored. Decided to make a playlist in traffic yesterday:

Basket Case - Sara Bareilles
Born this Way- Glee Cast
Buenos Aires - Glee Cast
Creepin' In- Norah Jones
Doo Wop (That Thing) - Lauryn Hill
The Edge of Glory - Lady Gaga
Extraordinary - Mandy Moore
Fairytale (Live) - Sara Bareilles
Forget about the Boy - Thoroughly Modern Millie
Forget You- Glee Cast
Gimme Gimme - Thouroughly Modern Millie
Gonna Get Over You - Sara Bareilles
Good Girl- Carrie Underwood
Haven't Met You Yet - Michael Buble
I Believe - Stevie Wonder
I Believe in a Thing Called Love- The Darkness
I wanna Dance with Somebody - Glee cast
I'm Not that Girl - Julia Murney
I've Got a Dream - Tangled
In the Heights - In the Heights
It Won't Be Long Now- In the Heights
Lights - Ellie Goulding
Listen - Glee Cast
Maybe This Time - Glee Cast
Nobody Wants to be Lonely - Ricky Martin & Christina Aguilera
Not for the Life of Me- Thoroughly Modern Millie
Not Ur Girl- Katharine McPhee
One Woman Army- Laura Glyda Band
Pacienca y Fe- In the Heights
Real Life Fairytale- Plumb
Run - Matt Nathanson & Jennifer Nettles
Run the World - Glee cast
Shake Senora - Pitbull
So Much Better- Bailey Hanks
Stronger - Britney Spears
Stronger - Kelly Clarkson
Taking Chances - Glee cast
That's It, I Quit, I'm Moving On - Adele
Who Says- Selena Gomez
Most of the songs appeal to my current state of break up grief, but some of them are just fun to sing/dance to.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Unfinished diaries

I used to start a new journal or diary every so often. I'd commit for a few days, then forget. Most of those entries were written during break ups or something equally traumatizing, so I hate to go back and read them. I'm hoping both of those things don't continue with this blog.

Anyway, I've been busy. School started and I started volunteering tonight. Even though I've been keeping busy, I can still get lonely sometimes. It still seems surreal to me that I live in this apartment by myself. I am settling in better. I'm currently doing laundry in the basement. I haven't needed quarters to do laundry in forever. Such is the life of a single girl!

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Weird things

I noticed just now that the only person I've spoken to today was the extra cheerful cashier at Boloco. I'm a pretty talkative person, but since I've been home alone all morning, I haven't used my voice. This is just a strange thing I'll have to get used to.

I'm still adjusting to being on my own schedule and not having to check ok with anyone.

I know I'll adjust but sometimes the whole thing is weird to me.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

When school parallels life it is weird

One of the classes I'm taking this semester is called Cultural aspects of international business. Last night was our first meeting. As part of class, our professor walked us through the steps of obtaining an international assignment, adjusting to it, then adjusting to home. His language was vague enough that I couldn't help but find parallels to leaving a long term relationship.

It is an adventure. One I entered reluctantly, but entered all the same. Once one arrives in the place of their foreign adventure, there is a child like dependence that will develop, mostly due to language gaps. Now that I'm in my adjustment period I'm trying to avoid the people that are discouraging and put up walls, and the "wonderful
magicians" that befriend you and guide you through the way.

Maybe it was my stress level or maybe it was my period, but I was almost tearing up. I'm still identifying who my threshold guardians are and who are my true magical friends. Unfortunately, we are all speaking English and it's harder to distinguish between the two. Like most ex-pats, I'm hoping to overcome the odds and be successful in settling in. At the very least, I should be getting tips from this class.

I don't know about anyone else, but being smacked across the face by another way of looking at whatever is bothering you, seems to put things into perspective.

Here's to new adventures.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Quotes of the moment

"You can't reach for anything new if your hands are full of yesterday's junk."- Louise Smith

"You think Gloria Steinham got arrested and sat in a jail cell so you could act like a little bitch?!" - Chelsea Handler in This Means War (might never leave my inspirational quote rotation)

"And I tell myself to let this story end. That my heart will rest in someone else's hand.....I'll be alright. Just not tonight, but someday....And I'm not the girl I intend to be. But I dare you darlin just you wait and see. But this time not for you but for me"- Sara Bareilles "gonna get over you"

First night out

I've decided to say yes to as many invitations as possible for a while. My friend won a happy hour at a tequila bar: $3 margaritas & modelos, $1 tacos. Not a tough sell. It was fun to be out with people I didn't know well but were super talkative and social like

Was mostly shoved in a corner the whole time, but did strike up a conversation with two nice guys. It's funny that I'm a little fearless about talking to strangers, this could work to
my advantage. :-)

See outfit choice, I'm not a tough sell either haha

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Ok so now what

Full disclosure: this is my 3rd attempt at blogging.

A week ago, I moved out of the house I shared in the suburbs with my long term boyfriend. After nearly five years in that house and plenty of boxes to unpack, I hope I got what I needed.

Living alone has been interesting. I'm happy to not have to be considerate of someone else's schedule or design tastes. However, it's a strange adjustment to not have to check in with someone. I cried the first day I drove home from work. My parents, sister, and close friends have been wonderful, but it will be nice to not have to be worried about so much.

So after I found out this week that T had moved on (at least physically) last weekend and seemed not to have remorse, I decided that there was no hope of him growing up, snapping out of it and getting back together with me. I had an epic meltdown when I found out. I've had nothing but positive omens and good signs that this decision to leave was right, but I suppose it takes something awful to be 100% sure.

So not sure exactly where I'm going with this blog, but I moved back into the city and am trying to fill my schedule back up. This could be comical or inspiring, not that I'm sure anyone will read it.