Fun thing to repeat to myself

I saw this on New Year's Day on Facebook and it's stuck with me.
I think for me particularly 2012 and parts of 2013 were rough and I'm anxious for an awesome year in 2014.
I keep singing it to myself (in my head) like only a musical theater geek can.

Just thought I'd share.

Sunday smiles

I've come to realize the last few weekends that each weekend I've had the last few months have been great. I am really starting to feel settled into my life with great friends and plenty to do.

Today I have way too much to do. I'm really anxious to just be done with school!

Back to work for me!

August

So, it's been a year since the big break up.  I was aware that the anniversary was approaching, but it was weird because I sort of remembered it haphazardly while reminding myself of my parents' anniversary.  It was sort of a "oh yeah!" moment.  I can't believe it's been that long.  So I've spent sometime thinking about where I've come in the last year.

A few weeks ago, I decided to quit online dating (again). Even though I don't have any real prospects on the horizon (which is a little scary, not going to lie), I'm pretty happy with my decision. The level of effort involved was just not worth the outcome. I just feel like I'm a pretty socially high functioning person and maybe online isn't a great medium for me to meet people.  Not to mention, I'm pretty convinced the fact that I'm 30 is discouraging guys.  By not being proactive, I actually feel better about the whole thing, as counter intuitive as it sounds. I'm trying to just focus on me and put out positive energy and hoping the universe/God/my guardian angel do the rest.

So I feel like I've grown a lot this past year. In the fall, it almost felt like I had regressed back to where I was at 23 before T.  But I think I've built upon the 23 year old me and feel like the 30 year old version of myself is really me.  I'm the girl that is calm and easy going. I'm the girl that can't commit to a diet because she's sure she'll just bail in a week, but is totally ok with it. I'm the girl that watches absolute garbage on TV but will throw down in an intelligent conversation. I'm a nerd who doesn't really like other nerds (but seems to be a nerd boy magnet, WTF). My general rule of thumb lately has been CTFD (Calm the Fuck Down). I see myself as happy, but still have outlined some improvement plans for the next year. I would like to be completely 100% happy with myself. I know I'm not a perfectionist, so I think this is possible.  This includes: losing weight the right way, paying down my debt so I can start to explore home ownership, finishing my MBA, making more friends and settling into 30 year old me (even though at some point I'll be 31). I'm confident that it can happen and that everything will fall into place.

Don't stand too close...

So in Game of Thrones, there is a character who is mostly a bad guy, but more importantly, he was scarred on his face as a child from fire. He probably wasn't going to be a good looking guy anyway, but it sort of makes him extra beastly. Even though this character is very brave and a good fighter, he gets crazy around fire. He abandons an important battle once they started setting everything aflame. At first it seems like an elephant being afraid of a mouse, but then you remember why he is so terrified and almost forgive him.

There were certain things that T would say to me that never sat well with me, but I didn't realize just how deeply he was cutting me until after I moved out. Several months ago a male friend was giving me unsolicited advice on working out and I just felt irrationally offended. I finally explained that I really didn't need help and I really didn't want to talk about it and why. I was hoping that it was just a raw wound, but today I found myself getting upset by a similar conversation again. I shouldn't be so offended, I'm the one that opened up the talk of wanting to be thinner. I don't like watching my calories or doing anything in particular. Eventually I just crack and it goes downhill. I much prefer to just try to be as active as possible and eat as healthy as possible. I managed to gracefully end the topic of conversation without an explanation. I'm really trying not to talk about T anymore. Crap....I hope the blog doesn't count.

Anyway, I really hope these old scars heal over to the point where I don't think about it anymore....time will tell.

30

So I am now 30 years and 5 days old. Seems weird to have my age start with a 3. When my mom was my age, she had a 2 week old baby (me), when her mother was my age she was already widowed with two kids in elementary school. Part of me is anxious for adulthood, just a part.

Spent last weekend with family in New York City. It was great and my goal of surviving birthday without a meltdown was achieved. I was worried about being single and feeling disappointed about it.

I'm starting to feel ready to be on a relationship again. I'm terribly busy with school and what not, but I think I could sacrifice some me time for someone else if they were worth it. I quit the online dating thing a few weeks ago, but would consider picking up on okcupid again after spring semester. It is just such a chore to keep up with.

I have been talking to a guy a lot in the last month and we've hooked up a few times. I think I've neglected to write about it because something about it hasn't been sitting well with me and I didn't want the opportunity to process it in written word. I know that I am probably being hyper sensitive to anything potentially negative, but I know that I ignored and justified so many terrible things about T and our relationship. Lately I have this unshakeable feeling that he is hiding something or someone from me. I know that I'm a pretty open person with a tendency to overshare, but this seems like more than average space. I'm not used to early stages of dating or whatever this is. I feel like T and I just sort of went from 0 to serious in a few weeks, and that was 6 years ago. It's a sticky situation because I want to be open, honest and address the situation, but I'm not sure how appropriate that would be. We'll see!!

Defiance

I feel like I'm in the stage where I'm mostly over the break up and don't think about it too often, but I occasionally find myself doing things T frowned upon. Most frequent offender: not drying my hair before I leave the house.

Today I'm wearing a ponytail at work and have been boycotting the bobby pins that hold my few short pieces neatly in place. Because I can. I never had a huge issue with tucking a little hair behind my ears. I don't look like I went through a wind tunnel or anything, but maybe some hair out of place can actually be more attractive.

Happy Friday!

Friday edition

So last week, I felt really bummed out for no particular reason. It could have been for one of several reasons. I had just purchased a car, interviewed for three different positions and was doing well (officially) in school. Part of me felt funny for experiencing all of these things without telling T. It's strange to not share my life with him anymore. I think the peak of my feeling bad was on the anniversary of my friend's death, which I didn't associate until later in the day.

Anyway, this week has been great. Very crazy, but great. My boss was on vacation so I was mostly holding down the fort by myself. By yesterday afternoon, I was joking about tipping over carts filled with product in a rage. Nothing was really going my way and everything seemed annoying. I'm pretty good about not taking my work home with me in an emotional sense and was able to recover via butt-kicking at the gym.

I feel like I'm settled into single life. I'm happy with myself and not in a rush to add someone into the mix. Thinking about taking a break from my online dating forays. I stopped checking my Plenty of Fish account because it was just too many sketchballs. Will keep OKCupid active, but will lower my expectations.

Excited for the weekend. Going to NYC with my mom and my sister to see Evita on Broadway. Could really use some sleep, but oh well!!

Changes

I want to say that in general, I think the positive changes to my life far out weigh the bad.

I'm really starting to miss aspects of suburban housewife life. I miss having parking lots everywhere. I miss my amazing kitchen. I miss having a garbage disposal and a dishwasher. I miss my cleaning lady. I'm having serious manicure scruples. (Rich people problems).

I know I can get most of those suburban things back one day and enjoy the rest of my life a little more at the same time.

I feel like my relationships with those close to me are stronger than they were before. I'm not sure if its because they disapproved of T or if it was just because the real me was slightly stifled (still recovering her, by the way). My sister and her husband have become more of my friends lately than just my family. I truly appreciate it. It's like it was when we were younger an significantly more comfortable with each other. Maybe they feel the need to protect me/take care of me more, but it might also be because my schedule is more flexible and we can hang out more often. I feel like I'm closer with my friends again, which is great. One of my college friends said to her husband "I feel like we're getting our Meredith back."

I hope more positive changes evolve from this adjustment, we'll have to wait and see.

Wednesday Vent

So after canceling my 2nd date for last Saturday night and talking to my therapist about "reasonable expectations", I've still been playing around on Plenty of Fish, but emphasizing on the playing. This one guy kept asking for my number because he didn't check his POF email that often. I wasn't feeling it, but finally last night I gave in. Mistake. He seemed pushy via email, he's been really pushy via text. I'm going to have to investigate getting a 2nd phone number. He was trying to get me to commit to meeting him for drinks. I said that I was pretty booked up for the week and wasn't much for making plans far in advance. This is mostly true. He seemed disappointed. Yep, I already feel like I'm disappointing this guy and I've never met him. When I went to say goodnight last night, he said "ok I'll talk to you tomorrow". Um, ok. This morning at 7:20am, I got a good morning text. Which would be super cute, if we were dating. Just got a "hi" text. I spoke to my BFF this morning about it and decided to ignore until it went away, but I expect an angry text at some point. I know I should probably just be upfront with him and tell him I'm not interested anymore, but I don't exactly owe him anything. Also, I'm curious if I can correctly predict the angry blow off reaction. I think I need to be with someone easy going, if anyone at all, and definitely not an eager beaver easily disappointed guy.

I started to have a protein shake every morning again. Maybe it's the placebo effect, but I definitely feel better about life than I did last week. Having a night off from school and a night off from volunteering this week is helping. Can't wait to relax tonight. Maybe get a leg up on some homework like a nerd.

Fun story:
I ordered a silverware caddy on Amazon last week. By accident, I sent it to my BFF in VA who happens to have a birthday this week. Before I realized this, the package arrived at her house. Conversation that happened between BFF & Wife:

Wife: Hey did you order something because a packaged arrived today?
BFF: No I didn't.
Wife: Oh maybe it's a birthday present. I'm going to open it in case you're not supposed to open it yet.
BFF: Ok
Wife: Um...if this is a birthday present, somebody doesn't love you.

Fast forward a few hours later, I emailed them and reported the mix-up. All is well.

"Remember that time I got you a silverware caddy for your birthday?"