It's Holiday Season Again.

I just re-read the post I published after last Thanksgiving. I definitely had a migraine for most of the day Thursday and that was miserable, but I am definitely entering this holiday with less trepidation. I think I'm actually excited. I'm a little anxious about the potential family drama but that is par for the course and definitely not related to me being single.

This year it's Thanksgivukkah or however you want to call it. I'm excited to spend Hanukkah with my two little cousins (and their new baby sister) again this year. I can't help but be reminded of where I was this time last year when I flew to Chicago to see them. Really the only thing I miss is the random weight loss from the stress. :)

Just a few things that are semi-related:

1) School and work are cray-cray. I'm really disappointed by one of the classes I'm taking. I'm not sure I learned very much of anything. I probably would have learned more if I just read the Wall Street Journal for several hours a week. I don't think I'm going to get a good grade and I totally had a meltdown about it a few weeks ago. We're talking crying hysterically on the phone while driving from school to my apartment meltdown. It was therapeutic (so my Mom says). Work is always extra crazy this time of year, but there is extra pressure with my new job that makes failure so much worse. However, I did just get an award with my old team, so yay last spring me?

2) It's been over 6 months since I've really dated. It's strange. I want to be dating, but yet don't have the patience for the BS associated with it. I'm trying to focus on the upside of being single in December: only one family to deal with/schedule and avoiding the awkward "how much am I supposed to spend on him?" situation. I hated online dating so much, I'm not sure if I can put myself through it. And soon the age next to my user name will be 31. Maybe my opener should be "I promise I won't get pregnant by accident to try to get you to propose to me within 6 months because my biological clock is ticking!" Seriously, that's what I'd think about a 31 year old woman on a dating site.

3) So last year, I was semi dating someone else but it just didn't work out well and sort of went up in flames. He had blocked me on facebook and gchat, so I was a little surprised to hear from him a few weeks ago via email. He was making small talk, and I responded at first, but ultimately I am not impressed by his latest efforts. My main issue with him is that I wanted to be pursued a little and he wanted to be chased. I don't see how that could have changed, and if it has, I'm going to need more than a subject-less email asking me how I am to prove that he's ready to put in the effort. Also, when we went through our non-break up, he showed a side of himself that I was completely turned off by. Furthermore, two of my best friends don't like him and are opposed to me communicating with him at all. I'm not going to spend more of my life trying to let everyone think that my relationship is amazing. However, I just want to be pursued a little. It'd be nice.

I am, in general, happy. I do really enjoy my job even though it may or may not result in a glass of wine before bed on occasion. I'm almost done with my MBA and I can't wait to have that accomplishment under my belt....and have my life back. I've been gaining weight as a byproduct of my schedule, but I've accepted it and will just kick my own ass in a few weeks. I have awesome friends and I've spent the last few weekends with my family and "family". I still marvel a little at how great it is to make my own schedule without someone putting me down or judging my choices. I hope that goes away soon, but whatever. :)

Happy Thanksgivukkah!

Merry Christmas

Just noticed this never went through. Stupid Hudson valley cell service. 

So this is my first Christmas with only one family to juggle. It's brought on some mixed feelings, but for the most part I'm happy with the lack of complications that come with multiple Christmases in different locations.

This morning my hair still smells like fried fish and I can't wait to stuff my face with more of my grandmother's food. Movies later with my parents and brother. :-)

Merry Christmas everyone!

30

So I am now 30 years and 5 days old. Seems weird to have my age start with a 3. When my mom was my age, she had a 2 week old baby (me), when her mother was my age she was already widowed with two kids in elementary school. Part of me is anxious for adulthood, just a part.

Spent last weekend with family in New York City. It was great and my goal of surviving birthday without a meltdown was achieved. I was worried about being single and feeling disappointed about it.

I'm starting to feel ready to be on a relationship again. I'm terribly busy with school and what not, but I think I could sacrifice some me time for someone else if they were worth it. I quit the online dating thing a few weeks ago, but would consider picking up on okcupid again after spring semester. It is just such a chore to keep up with.

I have been talking to a guy a lot in the last month and we've hooked up a few times. I think I've neglected to write about it because something about it hasn't been sitting well with me and I didn't want the opportunity to process it in written word. I know that I am probably being hyper sensitive to anything potentially negative, but I know that I ignored and justified so many terrible things about T and our relationship. Lately I have this unshakeable feeling that he is hiding something or someone from me. I know that I'm a pretty open person with a tendency to overshare, but this seems like more than average space. I'm not used to early stages of dating or whatever this is. I feel like T and I just sort of went from 0 to serious in a few weeks, and that was 6 years ago. It's a sticky situation because I want to be open, honest and address the situation, but I'm not sure how appropriate that would be. We'll see!!

Relationship corner, latkes and finals

So I haven't been posting a lot lately. School temporarily took over my life. I feel like every semester seems so awful towards the end. Happy to report that I'm on my way to my finance final which officially ends the semester. This was my 5th semester and my first one single. So much has changed since September. I even talked to T on my first day as I did in the precious 4 semesters. Strange to imagine. I know I'm putti a lot of pressure on myself this semester because I have been single and could devote more time to school work. We will see.

Last weekend, I visited my Chicago cousins for Hanukkah. It wasn't so much planned that I'd be there for the holiday, but I'm glad I was. The girls are growing up too fast for me to only see them in the summer. Hanukkah was a huge success and I made my first latkes without my mom or sister watching. I managed to get some studying in too and hopefully tonight will go well.

My cousin I is married to this amazing woman M. They are one of those couples that just for so perfectly together and it's an added bonus that I get to have her it family too. Years ago, M was frustrated with her single marital status. Her sister in law helped her fung shui her apartment and famously removed the dirty laundry from her relationship corner. One month later, M and I met and the rest is history. We discussed this over the weekend and she lent me the red vase that replaced her dirty laundry and landed her a husband. We'll see if it works. We were joking thy I would mail I back after the honeymoon and that if they started to argue more I would send it back in a hurry. Not sure I completely buy into this stuff, but it is fun nonetheless.

I feel like I'm opening myself up to dating a little more, but that will be another post.

Thanksgiving Reflections

So I survived Thanksgiving with my family. I was a little nervous that it would be rough because it's my first holiday solo, but I think it went well. I definitely had a headache all day on Thursday. It might have been stress related, I couldn't help but think about T and his family a little going into such a major holiday. I have to remember it's not my responsibility anymore. This might have been catalyzed by a facebook app glitch showing me his FB profile pic on Wednesday afternoon. His new profile picture is of him and his new girlfriend. He looks thin which worries me a little, but also it hurt a bit because he never seemed to want to have me in his profile picture. I managed to delete or archive the conversation and cursed out the facebook app for once again sucking.

My mom and I talked about it a little on Thursday afternoon while we were sitting around in between dinner prep activities. It helped to talk about it a little, even though I didn't want to acknowledge the situation at all. I think I forget that I'm still healing a little. True to form, I'm just anxious to be at the next step. 

Overall, the weekend was relaxing. I spent a lot of time with my family and caught up on a bulk of my homework. My dad has become very affectionate in his retirement which is cute. I showed him how to change electrical outlets and he was really excited. My sister's room's outlets were horribly worn out, so we decided to do those right away. Our plan is to replace all the switches and outlets in the house while I'm home for a week and a half in December. My parents have slowly been fixing up the house and now with white molding everywhere, it's time to replace the old almond colored hardware. My dad was actually excited when he figured out that the porch light wasn't working properly because the switch was worn out. My mom is excited to have the switches match and have them just look nicer in general.

Got home late. I feel like my apartment is a mess, but that's ok. Managed to work out twice over the weekend, so hopefully the 4 pieces of pumpkin pie, and 3 pieces of chocolate cake won't follow me around for too long.

Update

So I'm feeling pretty good about everything. I find myself to be more rational and easy going, less emotional and upset all the time. It's great. I know I'm lucky to have such an amazing support system and a handful of great positive female role models. My maternal grandmother was widowed in her late 20s and managed to raise two children and then go get a college degree. Her sister in law, taught in Harlem and was really independent until she fell head over heels for a nice Jewish doctor. It's nice to know I have it in my DNA to be awesome. :)

Anyway....

I've been playing around on two free online dating websites. Most of my encounters (thankfully not in person) have been weird or they seem great then fizzle or take a weird turn. I'm really hoping someone just falls into my lap and I can avoid this whole thing. I feel like I keep getting contacted by men old enough to have been my father and I also have this terrible feeling that every single guy in Boston has serious facial hair. I just don't like it! On the other hand, I haven't exactly set myself up schedule wise for dating. I'm not sure when exactly I'm supposed to be dating. Meh :)