Whoa

So I haven't written in a while. This semester was really crazy. I thought taking one class would be a breeze, but clearly I don't remember any classes being a breeze, not sure why I thought that would happen. Anyway, life got away from me, but I have an MBA!!! After Four years of classes, and even though I've been saying "I have most of an MBA" for the last several months, it doesn't quite feel real. I expect it won't hit me that I'm done with classes until September when I don't go back (I've been taking summers off). I haven't thought about T much since he showed up on abcnews.com in January, until this week. I never felt like he supported me going to business school and part of me wants to send him a picture of my diploma on Friday with my middle finger. I won't do it, but it would be satisfying to know that he knows how well I'm doing. I would say that the news will probably trickle back to him somehow, but I've really cut out all potential social connections. 

Last night, I had a dream that we had somehow gotten back together for a few months and I was trying to break up with him. I was sitting in my parents' dining room too, which was weird. He was trying to reject my break up and how I would miss him. I wouldn't even verbally respond, I just kept trying to run away. He isn't even worth arguing with in a dream! Crazy! Anyway, I'm so proud of myself for finishing my MBA, but so scared to pay off my loans. I think my online shopping days might have to end.....Wah wah.

Single and Not Fabulous

My friend and I (who is also single) share funny little online things to each other about being single. We are both battling our biological clocks to a degree but also busy being awesome full time. Last night; she sent me this article http://www.thedatereport.com/dating/advice/stop-telling-single-women-theyre-fabulous/

I read it this morning and it really struck me. I am single, that's ok. Part of me feels compelled to compensate for my lack of husband and children by being a superstar at work. I think a lot of that is cultural pressure: as a 31 year old single woman, shouldn't I be gunning for the executive suite? I want to have a well balanced fulfilled life and this article reminded me that it is ok to feel this way and to not be shackled to my marital status as a primary identifier. 

So here I am, single and awesome. 

February

Here’s where my mind has been recently: I’m really glad that whole national news story with T hasn’t blown up. There is still an opportunity for that to happen, but so far I haven’t seen his face on the opening credits of the Today show when I’m running late to work. I don’t like how I’ve been thinking about him more lately. He apparently proposed to his girlfriend which has been difficult to digest. I wasn’t even allowed to discuss our future after 5+ years, but go ahead, propose to someone you just started dating. I’ve caught myself thinking of ways to anonymously torture him, not sure why. 

I didn’t want to online date in November/December because I felt like it would be a bunch of weirdos who were anxious to have a significant other by Christmas. I can channel my gift giving energies into my friends and family thankyouverymuch. Now, I’m worried the same thing is happening with Valentine’s Day. I haven’t liked V-day since I got dumped on Valentine’s day 1999. People get crazy this time of year. It’s not a real holiday, stop judging yourself! My bff and I decided to make it a friends holiday several years ago and have roped her wife into the mix. This year I even got their 3 dogs a gift, because I was in Target and they were selling treats in heart shaped boxes. Anyway, I’m hesitant to even consider online dating for the next two weeks for that reason alone. I’m really feeling like my last 3 experiences online were so terrible and made me feel so badly about myself, that I’d really rather not do it again, but how am I supposed to meet someone? 

Which brings me to my final topic: How am I supposed to meet someone? As a person who likes to plan ahead and account for possible future scenarios, who doesn’t like uncertainty so much so that she nearly failed her pass/fail class “Decision Making in Times of Uncertainty”, I don’t like this waiting thing. I know, I know, it happens when you least expect it, blah blah blah. I’m not the kind of girl who reads the last page of the book first (that never made sense to me) or reads spoilers, but I want to know how this journey will end. I am really trying to focus on just polishing myself up, and working on my confidence, I am. I believe God has a plan for me, and “he” is out there somewhere, but I find myself filling my spare time with women’s networking groups and the Boys & Girls Club….which aren’t exactly hot spots for single, age appropriate men. We’ll see how the story develops I think it helps for me to word vomit here on occasion, I hope to start posting more soon.

August

So, it's been a year since the big break up.  I was aware that the anniversary was approaching, but it was weird because I sort of remembered it haphazardly while reminding myself of my parents' anniversary.  It was sort of a "oh yeah!" moment.  I can't believe it's been that long.  So I've spent sometime thinking about where I've come in the last year.

A few weeks ago, I decided to quit online dating (again). Even though I don't have any real prospects on the horizon (which is a little scary, not going to lie), I'm pretty happy with my decision. The level of effort involved was just not worth the outcome. I just feel like I'm a pretty socially high functioning person and maybe online isn't a great medium for me to meet people.  Not to mention, I'm pretty convinced the fact that I'm 30 is discouraging guys.  By not being proactive, I actually feel better about the whole thing, as counter intuitive as it sounds. I'm trying to just focus on me and put out positive energy and hoping the universe/God/my guardian angel do the rest.

So I feel like I've grown a lot this past year. In the fall, it almost felt like I had regressed back to where I was at 23 before T.  But I think I've built upon the 23 year old me and feel like the 30 year old version of myself is really me.  I'm the girl that is calm and easy going. I'm the girl that can't commit to a diet because she's sure she'll just bail in a week, but is totally ok with it. I'm the girl that watches absolute garbage on TV but will throw down in an intelligent conversation. I'm a nerd who doesn't really like other nerds (but seems to be a nerd boy magnet, WTF). My general rule of thumb lately has been CTFD (Calm the Fuck Down). I see myself as happy, but still have outlined some improvement plans for the next year. I would like to be completely 100% happy with myself. I know I'm not a perfectionist, so I think this is possible.  This includes: losing weight the right way, paying down my debt so I can start to explore home ownership, finishing my MBA, making more friends and settling into 30 year old me (even though at some point I'll be 31). I'm confident that it can happen and that everything will fall into place.

Sara For The Win

Remember that show on MTV Fanatic? I always would watch wit

h a mix of jealousy and judgement.  On one hand, these people got to meet some famous person (typically a musician), but it was usually because they experienced terrible and this celebrity helped them through a difficult time.  It also always seemed like the fanatic, only liked this one celebrity.  Their bedroom walls were covered with posters and it seemed like this one person was all the pop-culture they would ever need.  I would muse about who I would like to be on the show to meet, but the idea of only listening to one musician ever seemed daunting. 

When I broke up with T last summer, and started this whole healing journey.  Sara Bareilles' song "Gonna Get Over You" had only been out for a few weeks.  I had always loved Sara and been the type of fan that ordered the album before previewing it because I am that loyal. But this song, became my little musical mantra.  I changed my ringtone to it. I hand wrote out lyrics on a vinyl white board cling and hung it in my new single-girl bedroom.  When I found Sara singing "Gonna Get Over You" combined with CeeLo's "F*ck You" on YouTube, I posted it to my Facebook page without really thinking it through. Apparently, someone tipped T off to it. I didn't really mean to musically flip him off so much as I was like "Yeah, Sara! You rock!"

So fast forward several months (holy crap) and I have Sara's new album on pre-order. I check iTunes weekly to see if "Brave" is available as a legit ringtone yet (it's not, wtf). Then, I stumble into Sara's Glamour article on how to be fearless on Facebook. I already consider her one of my imaginary best friends (natch, since we're on a first name basis) but now I feel as though we are kindred spirits. She just got out of a six year relationship? no way! me too! 

The other thing that really struck me was that she's 3 years older than me and in the same place in her personal life. Lately, I've been hard on myself worrying I'm less attractive to the single men out there because I'm already 30 and single.  As much as I know it doesn't accomplish anything to regret, I really wish I was back out on the market at 28, it seems like it would have been so much easier.  I look at who else is out there on jDate and I feel like I'm on the older end of the never married group.  There are divorcees in their 40s, but then a bunch of girls in their mid 20s. Why go for a 30 year old? Do people assume I have issues (only a few) or am baby crazy (only mildly)? Just give me a chance! I promise my boobs are still perky and I won't get pregnant "by accident" after 6 weeks of dating just to lock down a husband.

I digress. Knowing my imaginary bff and I can sing along to her new album as we take fun day trips and be excited for our romantic futures, makes me even more anxious for next Tuesday when my iPhone will magically have her new album somehow.

Friday edition

So last week, I felt really bummed out for no particular reason. It could have been for one of several reasons. I had just purchased a car, interviewed for three different positions and was doing well (officially) in school. Part of me felt funny for experiencing all of these things without telling T. It's strange to not share my life with him anymore. I think the peak of my feeling bad was on the anniversary of my friend's death, which I didn't associate until later in the day.

Anyway, this week has been great. Very crazy, but great. My boss was on vacation so I was mostly holding down the fort by myself. By yesterday afternoon, I was joking about tipping over carts filled with product in a rage. Nothing was really going my way and everything seemed annoying. I'm pretty good about not taking my work home with me in an emotional sense and was able to recover via butt-kicking at the gym.

I feel like I'm settled into single life. I'm happy with myself and not in a rush to add someone into the mix. Thinking about taking a break from my online dating forays. I stopped checking my Plenty of Fish account because it was just too many sketchballs. Will keep OKCupid active, but will lower my expectations.

Excited for the weekend. Going to NYC with my mom and my sister to see Evita on Broadway. Could really use some sleep, but oh well!!

What I want to add to my online dating profile

In no particular order

1) I can tell when you copy/paste the same message over and over. Especially when you write the same exact message to me twice.

2) not really into this new facial hair fad. Sorry

3) I'm Italian but not into gorilla juice heads

4) Please don't lie about your age or height. I can tell.

4a) if you are old enough to have conceived a child in the early 80s, you are disgusting. You are old enough to be my father. I have a great relationship with my Dad and don't need another.....who wants to see me naked no less.

5) It is not cute or endearing for you to use a pet name before we've met or DTRed. Especially if that name is princess. Gross

Update

So I'm feeling pretty good about everything. I find myself to be more rational and easy going, less emotional and upset all the time. It's great. I know I'm lucky to have such an amazing support system and a handful of great positive female role models. My maternal grandmother was widowed in her late 20s and managed to raise two children and then go get a college degree. Her sister in law, taught in Harlem and was really independent until she fell head over heels for a nice Jewish doctor. It's nice to know I have it in my DNA to be awesome. :)

Anyway....

I've been playing around on two free online dating websites. Most of my encounters (thankfully not in person) have been weird or they seem great then fizzle or take a weird turn. I'm really hoping someone just falls into my lap and I can avoid this whole thing. I feel like I keep getting contacted by men old enough to have been my father and I also have this terrible feeling that every single guy in Boston has serious facial hair. I just don't like it! On the other hand, I haven't exactly set myself up schedule wise for dating. I'm not sure when exactly I'm supposed to be dating. Meh :)

First night out

I've decided to say yes to as many invitations as possible for a while. My friend won a happy hour at a tequila bar: $3 margaritas & modelos, $1 tacos. Not a tough sell. It was fun to be out with people I didn't know well but were super talkative and social like
me.

Was mostly shoved in a corner the whole time, but did strike up a conversation with two nice guys. It's funny that I'm a little fearless about talking to strangers, this could work to
my advantage. :-)

See outfit choice, I'm not a tough sell either haha