August

So, it's been a year since the big break up.  I was aware that the anniversary was approaching, but it was weird because I sort of remembered it haphazardly while reminding myself of my parents' anniversary.  It was sort of a "oh yeah!" moment.  I can't believe it's been that long.  So I've spent sometime thinking about where I've come in the last year.

A few weeks ago, I decided to quit online dating (again). Even though I don't have any real prospects on the horizon (which is a little scary, not going to lie), I'm pretty happy with my decision. The level of effort involved was just not worth the outcome. I just feel like I'm a pretty socially high functioning person and maybe online isn't a great medium for me to meet people.  Not to mention, I'm pretty convinced the fact that I'm 30 is discouraging guys.  By not being proactive, I actually feel better about the whole thing, as counter intuitive as it sounds. I'm trying to just focus on me and put out positive energy and hoping the universe/God/my guardian angel do the rest.

So I feel like I've grown a lot this past year. In the fall, it almost felt like I had regressed back to where I was at 23 before T.  But I think I've built upon the 23 year old me and feel like the 30 year old version of myself is really me.  I'm the girl that is calm and easy going. I'm the girl that can't commit to a diet because she's sure she'll just bail in a week, but is totally ok with it. I'm the girl that watches absolute garbage on TV but will throw down in an intelligent conversation. I'm a nerd who doesn't really like other nerds (but seems to be a nerd boy magnet, WTF). My general rule of thumb lately has been CTFD (Calm the Fuck Down). I see myself as happy, but still have outlined some improvement plans for the next year. I would like to be completely 100% happy with myself. I know I'm not a perfectionist, so I think this is possible.  This includes: losing weight the right way, paying down my debt so I can start to explore home ownership, finishing my MBA, making more friends and settling into 30 year old me (even though at some point I'll be 31). I'm confident that it can happen and that everything will fall into place.

Don't stand too close...

So in Game of Thrones, there is a character who is mostly a bad guy, but more importantly, he was scarred on his face as a child from fire. He probably wasn't going to be a good looking guy anyway, but it sort of makes him extra beastly. Even though this character is very brave and a good fighter, he gets crazy around fire. He abandons an important battle once they started setting everything aflame. At first it seems like an elephant being afraid of a mouse, but then you remember why he is so terrified and almost forgive him.

There were certain things that T would say to me that never sat well with me, but I didn't realize just how deeply he was cutting me until after I moved out. Several months ago a male friend was giving me unsolicited advice on working out and I just felt irrationally offended. I finally explained that I really didn't need help and I really didn't want to talk about it and why. I was hoping that it was just a raw wound, but today I found myself getting upset by a similar conversation again. I shouldn't be so offended, I'm the one that opened up the talk of wanting to be thinner. I don't like watching my calories or doing anything in particular. Eventually I just crack and it goes downhill. I much prefer to just try to be as active as possible and eat as healthy as possible. I managed to gracefully end the topic of conversation without an explanation. I'm really trying not to talk about T anymore. Crap....I hope the blog doesn't count.

Anyway, I really hope these old scars heal over to the point where I don't think about it anymore....time will tell.

Leave me alone!!

So I was watching an old episode of Teen Mom 2 the other night, and Janelle and Barb had a fight that ended in Janelle screaming "LEAVE ME ALONE!!" Then it was playing in my head for the rest of the week. I hate when that happens, but a similar incident inspired me to name my future goldfish Shania and Goldie (story another day). I digress...

So over the weekend while I was running around Manhattan with my mom and sister and decided I was over online dating. It was feeling like a chore. My friend had expressed concern the week before and it was weighing on me. I had quit Plenty of Fish (by quit I mean, stop logging in and deleting the app from my phone) because I had narrowly escaped a second episode of someone sending me a picture of their boy parts. (Side note: wtf) I've been joking with friends that I don't want a relationship, but a friends with benefits; or I've been joking that I want to at least pretend I'm dating someone before they see me naked. The magic of POF had just worn off. The only semi-promising guys would just fade into oblivion or only write back every other day. OKCupid seemed to be going better, the site has more substance to it. I even spoke on the phone with a guy, but it was boring and felt like a shitty job interview. It occurred to me that I really didn't have time to be dating. So, I sort of stopped checking my messages on there. Users can see the last time the person logged in, and I'm on strike. I totally left in the middle of a conversation with a guy that showed promise, but enough is enough. And part of this whole new chapter thing is that I can do whatever I want.

And then, there's this friend of mine from college. We started texting over a week ago. He's already learned my weekly schedule and has been texting me VERY regularly. It would be cute, if I wasn't so sure he was rebounding, or if I was interested like that, or if I didn't feel so smothered. I seem to feel smothered VERY easily. I'm trying to not respond as much aka walking the line between being an elusive bitch and not expressing too much mutual interest.

So that's that. I'm enjoying my "me" time and don't really want someone in the mix just yet. Although, sometimes I feel differently.

Flip flopping

This morning I found myself smiling for no reason for the first time in a while. Even though I hadn't slept well again, I had texted a little bit with the guy from last weekend before bed. I was excited to be dating in the present tense. By late afternoon, I just felt overwhelmed and emotional about the whole thing.

I wonder if I rushed into this whole thing. I know I'm not really ready to be in a serious relationship, especially because T can still upset me SO much and keep me dwelling for a few days. I feel like I'm lying by omission by not saying in my profile "just got out of super serious long term relationship that was emotionally brutal, but anxious to get over it and start my adult life and have kids before my ovaries are dried up" I don't think my eyes or boobs will make up for that grenade.

Part of me wants to just go with the flow and see what happens. I'm definitely a little afraid of self sabotage. However, I am so used to being subservient (for lack of a better word) that I'm afraid I don't know how to be bold/decisive/an equal partner. I think in general I'm pretty old fashioned and would prefer to be pursued, but also I think it keeps me a little more emotionally safe.

Part of me knows that I deserve to be happy, to be in a healthy space. I also know that I am in mourning. What absolutely terrifies me as ridiculous as it seems is that by the Charlotte York rule of breakup thumb, I won't get over T for almost 3 years. (See note above re: ovaries). I just don't want to waste my life on negative feelings. I don't regret my relationship with T, but I don't want to let it occupy any more of my life. I know I did the best I could and it wasn't enough.

So I suppose I should just put one foot in front of the other, but I am a little worried that I might break out into hysterics (crying or panicking or both) without much warning. Full disclosure: one time in college this happened during an intimate encounter and it was not pretty. It was also embarrassing. So imagine bursting into tears while naked and then feeling bad about it, then try to pull yourself together in a hurry before anyone notices.

I assume I will go back and forth on this for a while, but I have to trust that someone is still looking out for me up there and everything will be ok in the end.