Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Flip flopping

This morning I found myself smiling for no reason for the first time in a while. Even though I hadn't slept well again, I had texted a little bit with the guy from last weekend before bed. I was excited to be dating in the present tense. By late afternoon, I just felt overwhelmed and emotional about the whole thing.

I wonder if I rushed into this whole thing. I know I'm not really ready to be in a serious relationship, especially because T can still upset me SO much and keep me dwelling for a few days. I feel like I'm lying by omission by not saying in my profile "just got out of super serious long term relationship that was emotionally brutal, but anxious to get over it and start my adult life and have kids before my ovaries are dried up" I don't think my eyes or boobs will make up for that grenade.

Part of me wants to just go with the flow and see what happens. I'm definitely a little afraid of self sabotage. However, I am so used to being subservient (for lack of a better word) that I'm afraid I don't know how to be bold/decisive/an equal partner. I think in general I'm pretty old fashioned and would prefer to be pursued, but also I think it keeps me a little more emotionally safe.

Part of me knows that I deserve to be happy, to be in a healthy space. I also know that I am in mourning. What absolutely terrifies me as ridiculous as it seems is that by the Charlotte York rule of breakup thumb, I won't get over T for almost 3 years. (See note above re: ovaries). I just don't want to waste my life on negative feelings. I don't regret my relationship with T, but I don't want to let it occupy any more of my life. I know I did the best I could and it wasn't enough.

So I suppose I should just put one foot in front of the other, but I am a little worried that I might break out into hysterics (crying or panicking or both) without much warning. Full disclosure: one time in college this happened during an intimate encounter and it was not pretty. It was also embarrassing. So imagine bursting into tears while naked and then feeling bad about it, then try to pull yourself together in a hurry before anyone notices.

I assume I will go back and forth on this for a while, but I have to trust that someone is still looking out for me up there and everything will be ok in the end.

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