Obligatory NYE Post

I haven't been good about blogging lately, I'm not entirely sure it can be blamed on my busy work and school schedule. It might be because I'm in a much better place than I was when I started this blog. It occurred to me that I could read last year's post but that would likely bum me out. 

Moving on....

This is my favorite holiday. I love spending NYE and the days surrounding it with my faux family (my parents' best friends and their kids) and not putting so much pressure on going out and ripping it up. Our typical routine is to hang out, go to the movies and binge eat our favorite foods. Spending NYE in yoga pants is actually pretty awesome. 

My other favorite aspect of this time of year is that I don't have to work and I have a chance to just reflect and re-center myself.  I've been thinking about this past year and how I'm a little disappointed with where I am now. I'm at my heaviest weight and have no love life to speak of. However, I also have a better job than last year and I have one class left in my MBA program. I'm trying to think of 2013 as my "rebuilding year" and 2014 as the year when everything awesome happens. I'm like that football team that had some major injuries in September and didn't make the playoffs, but next season I will be healthy and a major contender.  I don't have a set resolution, but I want to focus on me this year. I think the time to heal and readjust is over and now it is the time to improve. I think if I am happier with myself  (my bank account, the number on the scale, included even through I wish it didn't matter) the positive energy I put out will help the rest of the pieces fall into place. 

So that's my plan for now: work on being more awesome. :-) I'll try to blog more too. 

It's Holiday Season Again.

I just re-read the post I published after last Thanksgiving. I definitely had a migraine for most of the day Thursday and that was miserable, but I am definitely entering this holiday with less trepidation. I think I'm actually excited. I'm a little anxious about the potential family drama but that is par for the course and definitely not related to me being single.

This year it's Thanksgivukkah or however you want to call it. I'm excited to spend Hanukkah with my two little cousins (and their new baby sister) again this year. I can't help but be reminded of where I was this time last year when I flew to Chicago to see them. Really the only thing I miss is the random weight loss from the stress. :)

Just a few things that are semi-related:

1) School and work are cray-cray. I'm really disappointed by one of the classes I'm taking. I'm not sure I learned very much of anything. I probably would have learned more if I just read the Wall Street Journal for several hours a week. I don't think I'm going to get a good grade and I totally had a meltdown about it a few weeks ago. We're talking crying hysterically on the phone while driving from school to my apartment meltdown. It was therapeutic (so my Mom says). Work is always extra crazy this time of year, but there is extra pressure with my new job that makes failure so much worse. However, I did just get an award with my old team, so yay last spring me?

2) It's been over 6 months since I've really dated. It's strange. I want to be dating, but yet don't have the patience for the BS associated with it. I'm trying to focus on the upside of being single in December: only one family to deal with/schedule and avoiding the awkward "how much am I supposed to spend on him?" situation. I hated online dating so much, I'm not sure if I can put myself through it. And soon the age next to my user name will be 31. Maybe my opener should be "I promise I won't get pregnant by accident to try to get you to propose to me within 6 months because my biological clock is ticking!" Seriously, that's what I'd think about a 31 year old woman on a dating site.

3) So last year, I was semi dating someone else but it just didn't work out well and sort of went up in flames. He had blocked me on facebook and gchat, so I was a little surprised to hear from him a few weeks ago via email. He was making small talk, and I responded at first, but ultimately I am not impressed by his latest efforts. My main issue with him is that I wanted to be pursued a little and he wanted to be chased. I don't see how that could have changed, and if it has, I'm going to need more than a subject-less email asking me how I am to prove that he's ready to put in the effort. Also, when we went through our non-break up, he showed a side of himself that I was completely turned off by. Furthermore, two of my best friends don't like him and are opposed to me communicating with him at all. I'm not going to spend more of my life trying to let everyone think that my relationship is amazing. However, I just want to be pursued a little. It'd be nice.

I am, in general, happy. I do really enjoy my job even though it may or may not result in a glass of wine before bed on occasion. I'm almost done with my MBA and I can't wait to have that accomplishment under my belt....and have my life back. I've been gaining weight as a byproduct of my schedule, but I've accepted it and will just kick my own ass in a few weeks. I have awesome friends and I've spent the last few weekends with my family and "family". I still marvel a little at how great it is to make my own schedule without someone putting me down or judging my choices. I hope that goes away soon, but whatever. :)

Happy Thanksgivukkah!

Migraines and scars

Last week, I met with my doctor to discuss my migraines. I've had them for a few years, but recently my prescription hasn't been working very well. We know that they are at least partially stress related but so far I haven't found a particular trigger that's unavoidable. I know stress and periods are unavoidable. Anyway, it got me thinking about ways to reduce my stress level. 

I have always wanted to be a runner. Someone who could just work out happily anywhere in the world, someone who is skinny without trying so hard. So I feel like running in the morning would be a great multiask. However, why do I want to be thinner? Because some part of me thinks I could be more attractive and perhaps that is why I'm still single. I hate that small part of me, but I can't ignore that little bitch. I know I stress out a bit about being single. Some of the women in my family have gotten out of super long term, serious relationships and never seemed to find anyone else. I just don't want that to be my legacy. I know I'm only 30, but seriously, I thought I'd be making plans for babies soon.

As I reflected on what I might now refer to as "the little bitch", I realize that she is primarily shaped by T. T had me convinced (knowingly or not) that I wasn't quite good enough. I needed to be thinner, I needed to have healthier financials, I needed to skip lunch and wear more white. Despite all of this time, it pisses me off that any of that kind of thinking still enters into my mind at all. I guess I still have some scar tissue. 

Luckily for me (and not so lucky for the little bitch), I have great friends that will remind me that I'm awesome (and I believe them) and understand that when I let the little bitch out for a minute it isn't a reflection of how I feel most of the time, but if I let her escape a little bit at a time, maybe all of her will be gone for good. 

Text messages

I have a tendency to screen capture fun texts I exchange with people. Sometimes I scroll back trough my camera roll and giggle. These are a few of my current favorites: 

This one is pretty self explanatory. My mom is a bit of a feminist and taught us the virtues of wearing appropriate clothing (especially for the first day of school).

Kate is my BFF. She is married to a woman and also works for a major GLBT lobbying organization. 

This is my sister. She has a tendency to seek revenge on people who have done her wrong. When she got woken up in the middle of the night in college because a full beer can flew through her window and into her bed, those girls got kicked out of the dorms. 

Pretty sure no one else will find these funny, but whatever, I am smiling. 

Sunday smiles

I've come to realize the last few weekends that each weekend I've had the last few months have been great. I am really starting to feel settled into my life with great friends and plenty to do.

Today I have way too much to do. I'm really anxious to just be done with school!

Back to work for me!

Just when you think you're in the clear...

So what's really funny about a break up after a long term relationship is just when you think you've completely cleared every aspect of that person out of your life and are on your merry way, something totally random catches you off guard. See email to my mom below:

Subject: I need my own sitcom...for serious

Got a call from Sleepy's yesterday to say my mattress would be delivered by 2:15. I figured it was a wrong number somehow and ignored it.
Today the driver called me to be like "hey, i'm here." So I said, well that's my number but I didn't order a mattress.
Then! I get a call for (my full name mispronounced) about how they need to release the driver if I don't show up at my front door soon for this mattress. So I called back.

I said "Well I'm really confused because I've never purchased a mattress from you."

"Do you live up in B*****?"

"Oh.....well....so that would be my ex-boyfriend.....this is awkward....I'll give you his number"

"Ok, I'm really sorry about that. Your name must have been on the form from 2011."

"Omg....gross...warranty claim? I don't want to know"

(laughing) "I'm sorry about that."

"Call T....(number)"

"Ok, I''ll tell him you said hi." (laughs)

(laughs) "Yeah, no thank you. I'm sure this will crack up your co-workers later."

So now I'm stuck with all this mental imagery regarding T and his bed. No thank you! I'm just hoping it was the dog's fault....(Side note: I think I was replaced by a golden retriever).

File this under "things that only happen to me"

A New Year

It's Rosh Hashanah, which means Jewish New Year. It's also been One year and three days since I moved into my very own apartment. It's a lot to reflect on. I have been thinking about this post for a while and I have to admit I am totally winging it. 

So let's start with an update: fall semester started up again last night. I always get anxious about the unknown at the start of the semester. Some professors come off as so serious and demanding in their syllabi, but end up being teddy bears. At the very least, this is my second to last semester! I'm starting to get into a stride with my new job. I'm definitely not comfortable yet and so many of my coworkers have been on the program for decades, so I know I have a long way to go. 

Last weekend I spent a few days with my BFF and her family. I had done the same thing last July during a work shut down, before things fully went south with T. It was an interesting comparison.  On Sunday evening when we were toasting before dinner, I had reminded everyone of my freedom anniversary and they all rejoiced.  I had bought myself a present: a silver feather bangle, but decided to not wear it until Tuesday when I got back home. It's a nice reminder of where I have come in the last year. 

As I drove my BFF to the airport on Monday, we reflected on the weekend and where my personal life is at the moment. I declared that this past year was about me healing and resetting, but this coming year is about me perfecting and really focusing on me. 

So with that, we'll have to see what happens. I will try to continue to blog. 

August

So, it's been a year since the big break up.  I was aware that the anniversary was approaching, but it was weird because I sort of remembered it haphazardly while reminding myself of my parents' anniversary.  It was sort of a "oh yeah!" moment.  I can't believe it's been that long.  So I've spent sometime thinking about where I've come in the last year.

A few weeks ago, I decided to quit online dating (again). Even though I don't have any real prospects on the horizon (which is a little scary, not going to lie), I'm pretty happy with my decision. The level of effort involved was just not worth the outcome. I just feel like I'm a pretty socially high functioning person and maybe online isn't a great medium for me to meet people.  Not to mention, I'm pretty convinced the fact that I'm 30 is discouraging guys.  By not being proactive, I actually feel better about the whole thing, as counter intuitive as it sounds. I'm trying to just focus on me and put out positive energy and hoping the universe/God/my guardian angel do the rest.

So I feel like I've grown a lot this past year. In the fall, it almost felt like I had regressed back to where I was at 23 before T.  But I think I've built upon the 23 year old me and feel like the 30 year old version of myself is really me.  I'm the girl that is calm and easy going. I'm the girl that can't commit to a diet because she's sure she'll just bail in a week, but is totally ok with it. I'm the girl that watches absolute garbage on TV but will throw down in an intelligent conversation. I'm a nerd who doesn't really like other nerds (but seems to be a nerd boy magnet, WTF). My general rule of thumb lately has been CTFD (Calm the Fuck Down). I see myself as happy, but still have outlined some improvement plans for the next year. I would like to be completely 100% happy with myself. I know I'm not a perfectionist, so I think this is possible.  This includes: losing weight the right way, paying down my debt so I can start to explore home ownership, finishing my MBA, making more friends and settling into 30 year old me (even though at some point I'll be 31). I'm confident that it can happen and that everything will fall into place.

Funny

Just a quick one. This article cracked me up.  Every so often, I think about how I would react if I ran into T. I'm pretty sure I'd say "hi" and walk away.  The "hi" would come out as if I just got surprised by something crazy and I'm not sure if it's a good thing.

My sister confessed to me this weekend that she'd like 5 minutes alone with T to tell him off. We agreed it wouldn't really be worth the energy.

Anyway:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/22/running-into-your-ex_n_3582280.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003   

Merry Christmas

Just noticed this never went through. Stupid Hudson valley cell service. 

So this is my first Christmas with only one family to juggle. It's brought on some mixed feelings, but for the most part I'm happy with the lack of complications that come with multiple Christmases in different locations.

This morning my hair still smells like fried fish and I can't wait to stuff my face with more of my grandmother's food. Movies later with my parents and brother. :-)

Merry Christmas everyone!

Ikea Emotional Rollercoaster: in 8 Steps

Step one: Plan Trip w/ friend that has vehicle with adequate storage
Primary Emotion: Empowerment

Sub-steps:
-look at items on website to plan out which items you will look at in person.
- resolve to only buy items on the list you've created on the website
- sleep well knowing your apartment is soon going to be the epitome of organization and chicness

Step 2: Drive to Ikea w/ Friend mentioned above
Primary Emotion: Anticipation

Sub-steps:
- spend a lot of time looking for parking and psyching yourself up to only spend $XX
- Optional sub-step: Fuel up in cafeteria and have ongoing social commentary about the cultural prism that is the Ikea cafeteria.
- look at nearly everything in the store even though it isn't on your list
- pick up a handful of things before you're halfway through the showrooms because they cost less than $3 ea


Step 3: Select items to purchase
Primary emotion: Dread

Sub-steps:
-add things to your list that you didn't even realize existed but you NEED
-quickly do math and realize that you are blowing your budget. 
-convince your friend to impulse buy so he/she will return the favor and your budget is retroactively made in pencil

Step 4: Purchase
Primary Emotion: Acceptance

Sub-steps:
- Fight with giant cardboard pallets that are stacked as if everyone in the world is 6 feet tall and really strong
- Try to maneuver pallet cart like the sober person you know you are
- Try not to listen when total is announced by cashier.
- Buy 50 cent frozen yogurt cone which makes you feel better on two levels 1) low fat! 2) Bargain! (It might actually be $1, but whatever)

Step 5: Pack up car
Primary Emotion: Accomplished

Sub-steps:
- curse out your dad for not being Arthur Weasley and putting that charm on the car that makes it hold an obscene amount
- master spacial relations and feats of strength simultaneously (it is appropriate to announce "Girl Power" if your party is all female)
- Get into the car with the renewed sense of accomplishment that your apartment is going to be way more awesome than it was that morning

Step 6: Arrive at Home
Primary Emotion: Dread

Sub-steps
- realize that despite how exhausted you are, your purchases are not already in your apartment nor are they magically assembled
- try to figure out when the eff you're going to get this sh*t together so you can get your apartment back together

Step 7: Assembly
Primary Emotions: Frustration, Self-Loathing

Sub-steps:
- Find a way to move the packages to a large empty space by yourself
- Tear open the box and find the directions and fun little bags of screws
- Ensure that you have all the parts you will need.  (My bff suggested you lay them out in neat piles and as OCD as that sounds, it helps)
- Get to work. (I find it's best to do this with trash tv on in the background, so you can be reminded every so often that you are in fact an intelligent person) 
- Make mistakes that are almost impossible to un-do because those stupid plastic nails don't really work in two directions (Note: the frequency of your mistakes will increase as you go on)
-Complete assembly and wrestle drawers into their place as needed

Step 8: Celebration
Primary Emotions: Accomplishment and Exhaustion

sub-steps:
-send photos to your Mom and various other people
- Have a drink and/or pass out promptly.... you can put things into your new furniture tomorrow.

Sara For The Win

Remember that show on MTV Fanatic? I always would watch wit

h a mix of jealousy and judgement.  On one hand, these people got to meet some famous person (typically a musician), but it was usually because they experienced terrible and this celebrity helped them through a difficult time.  It also always seemed like the fanatic, only liked this one celebrity.  Their bedroom walls were covered with posters and it seemed like this one person was all the pop-culture they would ever need.  I would muse about who I would like to be on the show to meet, but the idea of only listening to one musician ever seemed daunting. 

When I broke up with T last summer, and started this whole healing journey.  Sara Bareilles' song "Gonna Get Over You" had only been out for a few weeks.  I had always loved Sara and been the type of fan that ordered the album before previewing it because I am that loyal. But this song, became my little musical mantra.  I changed my ringtone to it. I hand wrote out lyrics on a vinyl white board cling and hung it in my new single-girl bedroom.  When I found Sara singing "Gonna Get Over You" combined with CeeLo's "F*ck You" on YouTube, I posted it to my Facebook page without really thinking it through. Apparently, someone tipped T off to it. I didn't really mean to musically flip him off so much as I was like "Yeah, Sara! You rock!"

So fast forward several months (holy crap) and I have Sara's new album on pre-order. I check iTunes weekly to see if "Brave" is available as a legit ringtone yet (it's not, wtf). Then, I stumble into Sara's Glamour article on how to be fearless on Facebook. I already consider her one of my imaginary best friends (natch, since we're on a first name basis) but now I feel as though we are kindred spirits. She just got out of a six year relationship? no way! me too! 

The other thing that really struck me was that she's 3 years older than me and in the same place in her personal life. Lately, I've been hard on myself worrying I'm less attractive to the single men out there because I'm already 30 and single.  As much as I know it doesn't accomplish anything to regret, I really wish I was back out on the market at 28, it seems like it would have been so much easier.  I look at who else is out there on jDate and I feel like I'm on the older end of the never married group.  There are divorcees in their 40s, but then a bunch of girls in their mid 20s. Why go for a 30 year old? Do people assume I have issues (only a few) or am baby crazy (only mildly)? Just give me a chance! I promise my boobs are still perky and I won't get pregnant "by accident" after 6 weeks of dating just to lock down a husband.

I digress. Knowing my imaginary bff and I can sing along to her new album as we take fun day trips and be excited for our romantic futures, makes me even more anxious for next Tuesday when my iPhone will magically have her new album somehow.

Hard not to get discouraged

So I got back from Europe and started my new job. Between my job and my school free summer freedom, I feel like my life is so busy. And to think I was worried about being bored this summer without constant boat days.  

Anyway, I signed up for jdate after some family pressure. So far I am not seeing any benefits.  It's hard not to get discouraged, but I feel more pressure since it is a paid site. Also, their interface sucks and their app is worse. I feel like a walking romantic comedy most of the time...where is my Justin Long/John Cusack? 

My Boobs

I guess I should start this at the beginning....

I used to be flat chested until I was 19. Not completely flat, "Barely B's", little sporty boobs, and I was ok with it. I would just be a butt girl. Then I went on the pill my Freshman year of college and grew C's. The most awkward part of this whole development (no pun intended) was that I went home for spring break, and came back a cup size larger. I cracked jokes about it with my friends (mostly male at the time) and said "People are going to think I got a boob job over break." I was content with my 34C's.  I was in total denial about how big they were. If someone told me I had "big boobs" I would rush into denial. Then randomly at 24, I seemed to outgrow my 34C's.  Unwilling to be professionally measured again, I just bumped myself up to a 34D. And it was what it was. D seems so large. I'm just a curvy girl, I'm not THAT girl with big boobs.  I would caveat any complaint I had about large boobs as "rich people problems". For example, I can't wear one of those super cute bandeau strapless bikini tops, or fit into certain shirts & dresses. Or I have to go up a size in a dress so I can get it over these babies. But, 34D.....meh, not that weird.


For the better part of the last year, I've started to suspect I had outgrown my bras. I had religiously been wearing a Victoria's Secret Angel bra that I knew ran on the large side. I would just buy new colors when they went on sale. One day late last fall, I had opened a new pink one that I had ordered for a great price but not really needed. It didn't fit. I had spillage everywhere. Armpit vagina, the whole thing. Bummed out, I held it up against the same bra that was a little older. It was visibly smaller....WTF VS.  After a running conversation with my (large breasted) sister regarding whether or not there was bra vanity sizing plaguing our society, I decided to go get professionally measured again. Tucking your boobs in all day is just not fun or cute.  I dragged her with me to Nordstrom where I had heard good things about their particular lingerie department. I'm not sure if going to get fit for a bra is more or less awkward with a friend/sister. The whole situation is pretty awkward, but if you're close enough to your chosen friend/sister, showing them your boobs is NBD. 

I was expecting her to say I was off by a cup size or a band size. But no, I'm a 34DDD. "Triple D?!" I said in disbelief. I didn't even know such a thing existed. I had a friend in college who told me she was a 30F, but her boobs were HUGE. The attendant and my sister tried to make me feel better about it not being a huge deal, but I'm still sort of upset about my own bra size.  I purchased a few bras that were either 32E's or 34DDD's. (E=DDD in Europe) Wearing my new bras, I noticed an amazing difference. This is way more comfortable and flattering.  Is this what women feel like when they finally switch to maternity jeans even though they just don't want to? (I'm not saying being pregnant and having large boobs are equivalent hardships) But, really? DDD?

This past weekend, I was visiting my BFF in DC and we were shopping, as we're prone to do. I commented that I was in dire need of a strapless, and I thought I should just go back to Nordstrom and ask for help since I have such special needs boobs.  She came with me into the dressing room, which was helpful. When you're buying something you don't really want, but need, it's hard to be non-biased. The attendant was really nice and patient. Ultimately, I left with a strapless bra, and two bras from the sale rack. One of those bras, was a 32G.......I almost didn't buy it because of the tag. I mean, G?!  With boobs like those I'd belong on Maury's special on "I'm addicted to plastic surgery" or "I refuse to get a breast reduction because my 82 year old husband loves me the way I am, even though I have health issues." Tell me you wouldn't watch that.

The worst part of this whole experience was, that we were almost late to the Pride Parade because I had to try on like 12 bras. So then I am apologizing to my BFF's wife for having special needs boobs that require extra help in a guerrilla fitting room environment. I can't even pick out my own bras! Gone are the days of just knowing how everything will fit. I texted my BFF on Monday to announce I was wearing my 32G and although it's comfortable (damn you, Nordstrom) I feel like everyone is staring at me knowing I'm wearing a circus bra. You know how you feel like people are judging you and your UTI when you buy Cranberry juice? It's like that.

It sounds like I have a mostly hate relationship with my boobs, but on the contrary, I do love them.  I want to have photos and potentially a plaster cast made so that when I'm done having babies, I can have them put back up. I get a lot of compliments on them and they are pretty perky, but seriously....DDD? 

Moral of the story: I have boob specific body dysmorphia (self diagnosed, without WebMD).   #RichPeopleProblems

Istanbul

I started to write my trip reflection paper yesterday, and I got off on a tangent. I think I'm going to trim this down significantly, or take out completely, but thought it would make an appropriate blog post:

Yesterday, I noticed a video posted on Facebook recapping the recent protests in Turkey. I sat there and watched the full seven and a half minutes in horror.  How could Istanbul be so crazy and dangerous when I was just there?  In many ways, this conflict over a park is really reflective of Istanbul, generally speaking.  In a word, Istanbul is supersaturated.  More and more Turks are migrating into the city every year and even though the city is expanding, a city as old as Istanbul can only support so much growth.  It is no surprise that a public situation can quickly escalate and boil over. 

One night in Istanbul, when we were walking through Taksim to arrive at the Alumni event, a group of police officers were arriving in Taksim Square in full riot gear.  This alarmed those of us who noticed, but anyone we mentioned the sight to seemed to brush us off.  At a time when Syrians bombing the Southern Turkish borders is a daily occurrence, are riots in Taksim Square just more of the same?  Growing up in a Jewish community, it seems like every small act of terror in Israel is news, yet unrealistic to report in the mainstream media.  I signed up for a Birthright trip in college because I just needed to get to Israel and see what the fuss was all about.  While walking through Jerusalem, I noticed how machine guns carried by 19 year olds seemed normal and adapted to ignore it myself.  Despite the increased weapon presence out in the open, I didn’t feel unsafe.  I know that although many Israelis fear suicide bombs, they don’t let it rule their lives too much.  Between my experience in Israel and the Boston Marathon bombing, I knew that I would have to be careful, but I could not be scared. 

Blogging habit?

So while I was traveling in Istanbul and Athens for a school trip, I kept a blog religiously. It was the easiest way to send my family updates and I think it was a success. So then I got used to blogging everyday, and then I just stopped. Maybe I can funnel some of that blogging habit into this blog again. I know that I get page views, but I'm not exactly sure who really reads this, not that I'm writing for attention.

Anyway, my trip was amazing. I would love to go back to Istanbul and also visit other parts of Greece.

Re-activated my Okcupid account last night (this is my 3rd time). Not sure I'm ready for the real thing yet, but it will be nice to get some positive attention that isn't from a creepy Iraqi guy that saw an American girl in shorts in a hotel lobby and decided he needed to take her out for dinner.....That was so not ok.  Ah....adventures.

Was introduced at my Grandfather's wake this weekend as "the one that isn't married." Yep, I'm the un-married sister. I'm almost over my dad referring to me as "My daughter, the engineer" which feels fraudulent since I haven't "engineered" anything in a while.  Spending my first memorial day weekend on dry land, at a wake, and now I'm a spinster. Grrrrreeeat. 

Just started a new job. It's strange to be so comfortable and confused all at once. Anxious to know my new products, excited to have more responsibilities, not sure how I feel about having a work assigned smart phone. 

Trying to see the upside in these things, but in the meantime, I'm just so single. Maybe that will make for interesting posts?

Don't stand too close...

So in Game of Thrones, there is a character who is mostly a bad guy, but more importantly, he was scarred on his face as a child from fire. He probably wasn't going to be a good looking guy anyway, but it sort of makes him extra beastly. Even though this character is very brave and a good fighter, he gets crazy around fire. He abandons an important battle once they started setting everything aflame. At first it seems like an elephant being afraid of a mouse, but then you remember why he is so terrified and almost forgive him.

There were certain things that T would say to me that never sat well with me, but I didn't realize just how deeply he was cutting me until after I moved out. Several months ago a male friend was giving me unsolicited advice on working out and I just felt irrationally offended. I finally explained that I really didn't need help and I really didn't want to talk about it and why. I was hoping that it was just a raw wound, but today I found myself getting upset by a similar conversation again. I shouldn't be so offended, I'm the one that opened up the talk of wanting to be thinner. I don't like watching my calories or doing anything in particular. Eventually I just crack and it goes downhill. I much prefer to just try to be as active as possible and eat as healthy as possible. I managed to gracefully end the topic of conversation without an explanation. I'm really trying not to talk about T anymore. Crap....I hope the blog doesn't count.

Anyway, I really hope these old scars heal over to the point where I don't think about it anymore....time will tell.

Throwbacks

As part of setting up my ipad, I have been fiddling with my playlists on all of my devices. Unfortunately, I have SO many songs on my old laptop, which doesn't exactly have a working screen. At some point I might need to risk the seizure to retrieve them, because I'm sure there are plenty of treasures on there.

As part of my healing process and trying to remember who I am, I find myself reverting back to the 23 year old version of myself. Unfortunately for my biological clock, I'm still 30 in real life. This combined with my recently rediscovered mp3's, has been quite interesting. I find my old songs soothing and cheerful even if the subject matter is not remotely cheerful. The best part is, that I still remember ALL the lyrics. 

Looking forward to my ongoing musical discovery...

I'm a Bad Blogger....but I expected this

So I am terrible at being religious about journal entries and blogs. It happens. I'm just going to outline some updates and then I will try to be better in the future.

In no particular order:

• Finished Spring semester.....grades come out tomorrow. I'm more nervous than I remember during this program.... Just checked on a whim....did not do great, but I think my GPA will be ok.
• On a whim during finals, I re-activated my okcupid account. I met this guy, and we dated for a few weeks, but then he did the quick fade away. I'm feeling strangely relieved by it.
• Before him, I was half dating someone...semi-regularly hooking up....it was frustrating and annoying. I eventually had to break it off. It was the longest non-break up of my life. Took 5 days until he finally blocked me on gchat to get the last word in. Fine by me!
• Prepping for a 12 day trip to Istanbul & Athens with school. I'm so excited. 
• Now that summer is approaching, the reality of not being busy all the time on the boat is started to set in.  It will be interesting to see how I deal with that going forward. 
• Got an ipad (mini) for the trip last Friday. Love it. I decided to name it Q after Q in James Bond. My kindle, is named Agatha. As in Agatha Christie.  Didn't bring Q to work today, and I'm going through withdrawals. Damn you Apple crack.
• Spent an amazing Saturday with my mom. We saw the MFA's Art in Bloom exhibit. It was awesome. Then we saw Thoroughly Modern Millie (musical) in Stoneham. 

Ok that's it for now. I'll try to be better. 

30

So I am now 30 years and 5 days old. Seems weird to have my age start with a 3. When my mom was my age, she had a 2 week old baby (me), when her mother was my age she was already widowed with two kids in elementary school. Part of me is anxious for adulthood, just a part.

Spent last weekend with family in New York City. It was great and my goal of surviving birthday without a meltdown was achieved. I was worried about being single and feeling disappointed about it.

I'm starting to feel ready to be on a relationship again. I'm terribly busy with school and what not, but I think I could sacrifice some me time for someone else if they were worth it. I quit the online dating thing a few weeks ago, but would consider picking up on okcupid again after spring semester. It is just such a chore to keep up with.

I have been talking to a guy a lot in the last month and we've hooked up a few times. I think I've neglected to write about it because something about it hasn't been sitting well with me and I didn't want the opportunity to process it in written word. I know that I am probably being hyper sensitive to anything potentially negative, but I know that I ignored and justified so many terrible things about T and our relationship. Lately I have this unshakeable feeling that he is hiding something or someone from me. I know that I'm a pretty open person with a tendency to overshare, but this seems like more than average space. I'm not used to early stages of dating or whatever this is. I feel like T and I just sort of went from 0 to serious in a few weeks, and that was 6 years ago. It's a sticky situation because I want to be open, honest and address the situation, but I'm not sure how appropriate that would be. We'll see!!