It’s been just over two years since I moved out on my own, and I have been reflecting on where I am compared to where I thought I’d be.
Overall, I continue to be in a really good place. I am happy, and continue to grow more and more comfortable with myself. My goal for myself was to really figure out who I am without someone’s influence and get used to being that person. As I’m sure I’ve mentioned here before, I really don’t want to let another relationship change who I am.
I really thought that by now, I’d be in another relationship, but sadly I am not. For a while, I just didn’t want to deal with all the dating drama while I was finishing business school, but now I think I’m more open to the idea. What is difficult is the pressure of the entire situation. I know my family and my close friends would like to see me settled, I would like to see me settled, but husbands aren’t Amazon Prime eligible.
We’ll see how that all goes. I might actually get back into internet dating in the next few months. Lord help me.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Thursday, August 14, 2014
After 7 weeks of tapering, tonight is my first night in several years (4 maybe?) where I am going to sleep without taking a Zoloft first.
This is part of a two part change:
- I want to get off Zoloft so I can take different meds when I get migraines
- I wanted to decrease my meds after I finished my MBA
I have felt fine through the tapering and I assume I will continue to not feel different. I'm excited to have one less pharmaceutical in my blood stream.
Friday, June 13, 2014
I have a reoccurring theme with my twitter and facebook posts, as well as text messages to my sister, mother and friends: Things That Only Happen to Me and its sister category: Things That Only I Would Say. I thought I'd share some examples:
Today's: "Mood of the afternoon compltely turned around by the bag of Jelly Belly's found in my purse. #thingsthatonlyhappentome"
"I get PTSD flashbacks from drywall dust" #thingsonlyiwouldsay
"I bought a sodastream because I saw one on sale in pink. Yes, Pink is why I finally pulled the trigger."
"Tuesday: broke a mirror, learned the zip code in Bahrain, got a voicemail from a 3 year old asking for a cape....day in the life"
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
When I re-entered the dating world over a year ago, I discovered the horrors of "Dick Pics". I had always operated under the Seinfeld theory of Good Naked (women) and Bad Naked (men). And it's not like I don't like male parts, I just don't need them eye-raping me on my phone. This infographic cracked me up.
Monday, May 19, 2014
This past weekend I traveled to VA to celebrate my good friend's marriage. She eloped exactly one year ago, but wanted to celebrate with their families for their anniversary. She had also announced to us via email a few weeks ago that they are expecting a baby in November.
Overall, it was a really fun weekend. I was a little anxious about how it would be since I knew I would be spending a lot of non stop time with some of my college friends and I wasn't sure how that would go. It was mostly not dramatic and very fun.
This might be the first wedding I've been to since right before I moved out on my own. That wedding was super super painful. This wedding was significantly less upsetting but some jealousy did tug at me. I see the way the not-so-new couple look at each other and want that. I don't necessarily want a southern church wedding, but I do crave a devoted husband and baby daddy (same guy, not one of each). I have to have faith that it's all going to happen in due course, but for some reason I feel like I'm running out of time to find the one and get married in my 30s. Then I think "seriously, you're only 31." I'm hoping to get over this sense of urgency soon, but I always have felt that if you want something you should take actions to get it and I'm not taking any actions to find a partner. I think it would be better if I think of being single as getting really comfortable and settled into who I am and what makes me happy, so that I'm ready for a healthy relationship. (I feel like I've said that here before). I'll try to focus on that aspect of my relationship status, but my empty uterus will probably over power my subconscious (I hate that bitch).
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
So I haven't written in a while. This semester was really crazy. I thought taking one class would be a breeze, but clearly I don't remember any classes being a breeze, not sure why I thought that would happen. Anyway, life got away from me, but I have an MBA!!! After Four years of classes, and even though I've been saying "I have most of an MBA" for the last several months, it doesn't quite feel real. I expect it won't hit me that I'm done with classes until September when I don't go back (I've been taking summers off). I haven't thought about T much since he showed up on abcnews.com in January, until this week. I never felt like he supported me going to business school and part of me wants to send him a picture of my diploma on Friday with my middle finger. I won't do it, but it would be satisfying to know that he knows how well I'm doing. I would say that the news will probably trickle back to him somehow, but I've really cut out all potential social connections.
Last night, I had a dream that we had somehow gotten back together for a few months and I was trying to break up with him. I was sitting in my parents' dining room too, which was weird. He was trying to reject my break up and how I would miss him. I wouldn't even verbally respond, I just kept trying to run away. He isn't even worth arguing with in a dream! Crazy! Anyway, I'm so proud of myself for finishing my MBA, but so scared to pay off my loans. I think my online shopping days might have to end.....Wah wah.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Nearly as soon as I had made a plan t move out on my own, I got in touch with the Boys and Girls Club I had volunteered with through work. I set myself up to be a homework room volunteer. This means I go and help kids with their homework who don't have the luxury of helicopter parents to help. I love it there.
Occasionally I get a bratty kid who I have to remind that "I did my math homework in 4th grade, you have to do yours too", but for the most part I leave feeling as though I helped some kid figure it out. I have become the volunteer who will nearly beg the high school kids to help them with their math homework, or get a shit-eating grin from a coordinator when I walk in as they are struggling to help someone with chemistry. Somehow, last year I became a regular mentor to J, a junior in high school who was struggling with US History. Despite history not being my forte, we got into a good rhythm and her grade improved drastically.
This year, we work on all of her classes, and I have finally convinced her that I am awesome at explaining math and we should have done THAT more last year.
Tonight, J announced she had gotten into 4 colleges. She is going to college! Last year, in a darkish moment last year she said "well, if I don't get into college, I'll join the Air Force." I faked being supportive, but I was scared for her. Coming from a low income family and with her not so great grades, I worried she would end up in the Air Force and not at community college. Recounting this story tonight I started to tear up. I'm so proud of her and so excited.
I never realized how important volunteering was to my mental health recovery, until I was so happy for her I could cry .
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
My friend and I (who is also single) share funny little online things to each other about being single. We are both battling our biological clocks to a degree but also busy being awesome full time. Last night; she sent me this article http://www.thedatereport.com/dating/advice/stop-telling-single-women-theyre-fabulous/
I read it this morning and it really struck me. I am single, that's ok. Part of me feels compelled to compensate for my lack of husband and children by being a superstar at work. I think a lot of that is cultural pressure: as a 31 year old single woman, shouldn't I be gunning for the executive suite? I want to have a well balanced fulfilled life and this article reminded me that it is ok to feel this way and to not be shackled to my marital status as a primary identifier.
So here I am, single and awesome.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Here’s where my mind has been recently: I’m really glad that whole national news story with T hasn’t blown up. There is still an opportunity for that to happen, but so far I haven’t seen his face on the opening credits of the Today show when I’m running late to work. I don’t like how I’ve been thinking about him more lately. He apparently proposed to his girlfriend which has been difficult to digest. I wasn’t even allowed to discuss our future after 5+ years, but go ahead, propose to someone you just started dating. I’ve caught myself thinking of ways to anonymously torture him, not sure why.
I didn’t want to online date in November/December because I felt like it would be a bunch of weirdos who were anxious to have a significant other by Christmas. I can channel my gift giving energies into my friends and family thankyouverymuch. Now, I’m worried the same thing is happening with Valentine’s Day. I haven’t liked V-day since I got dumped on Valentine’s day 1999. People get crazy this time of year. It’s not a real holiday, stop judging yourself! My bff and I decided to make it a friends holiday several years ago and have roped her wife into the mix. This year I even got their 3 dogs a gift, because I was in Target and they were selling treats in heart shaped boxes. Anyway, I’m hesitant to even consider online dating for the next two weeks for that reason alone. I’m really feeling like my last 3 experiences online were so terrible and made me feel so badly about myself, that I’d really rather not do it again, but how am I supposed to meet someone?
Which brings me to my final topic: How am I supposed to meet someone? As a person who likes to plan ahead and account for possible future scenarios, who doesn’t like uncertainty so much so that she nearly failed her pass/fail class “Decision Making in Times of Uncertainty”, I don’t like this waiting thing. I know, I know, it happens when you least expect it, blah blah blah. I’m not the kind of girl who reads the last page of the book first (that never made sense to me) or reads spoilers, but I want to know how this journey will end. I am really trying to focus on just polishing myself up, and working on my confidence, I am. I believe God has a plan for me, and “he” is out there somewhere, but I find myself filling my spare time with women’s networking groups and the Boys & Girls Club….which aren’t exactly hot spots for single, age appropriate men. We’ll see how the story develops I think it helps for me to word vomit here on occasion, I hope to start posting more soon.
Friday, January 10, 2014
Monday, January 6, 2014
I think for me particularly 2012 and parts of 2013 were rough and I'm anxious for an awesome year in 2014.
I keep singing it to myself (in my head) like only a musical theater geek can.
Just thought I'd share.