Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Ups and Downs

People keep telling me that I should expect good days and bad days, but I'm not a huge fan of the bad days. I haven't really had one in a few weeks so I suppose I'm entitled, but I'd really rather not.

Last night I had trouble falling asleep and felt lonely and anxious to just have a new guy in my life. I wonder if I'm missing out on this whole rebound thing. It could be fun, but I almost feel like I'm too old and too rational. Last night I found myself missing my senior year of college social life, no strings, no expectations.

Today I even miss T a little. Then I remember how awful that was most of the time and remember how much better off I am. I think I mostly miss the idea of him. It's so strange that I have a these major things going on in my life, and he has no idea. It's not so much that I want to call him and him, it's just strange. Don't get me wrong, I'm still confident that cutting him out of my life completely brought me more peace than I could have anticipated.

So there we are.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

What I want to add to my online dating profile

In no particular order

1) I can tell when you copy/paste the same message over and over. Especially when you write the same exact message to me twice.

2) not really into this new facial hair fad. Sorry

3) I'm Italian but not into gorilla juice heads

4) Please don't lie about your age or height. I can tell.

4a) if you are old enough to have conceived a child in the early 80s, you are disgusting. You are old enough to be my father. I have a great relationship with my Dad and don't need another.....who wants to see me naked no less.

5) It is not cute or endearing for you to use a pet name before we've met or DTRed. Especially if that name is princess. Gross


So I'm feeling pretty good about everything. I find myself to be more rational and easy going, less emotional and upset all the time. It's great. I know I'm lucky to have such an amazing support system and a handful of great positive female role models. My maternal grandmother was widowed in her late 20s and managed to raise two children and then go get a college degree. Her sister in law, taught in Harlem and was really independent until she fell head over heels for a nice Jewish doctor. It's nice to know I have it in my DNA to be awesome. :)


I've been playing around on two free online dating websites. Most of my encounters (thankfully not in person) have been weird or they seem great then fizzle or take a weird turn. I'm really hoping someone just falls into my lap and I can avoid this whole thing. I feel like I keep getting contacted by men old enough to have been my father and I also have this terrible feeling that every single guy in Boston has serious facial hair. I just don't like it! On the other hand, I haven't exactly set myself up schedule wise for dating. I'm not sure when exactly I'm supposed to be dating. Meh :)

Saturday, October 13, 2012


I want to say that in general, I think the positive changes to my life far out weigh the bad.

I'm really starting to miss aspects of suburban housewife life. I miss having parking lots everywhere. I miss my amazing kitchen. I miss having a garbage disposal and a dishwasher. I miss my cleaning lady. I'm having serious manicure scruples. (Rich people problems).

I know I can get most of those suburban things back one day and enjoy the rest of my life a little more at the same time.

I feel like my relationships with those close to me are stronger than they were before. I'm not sure if its because they disapproved of T or if it was just because the real me was slightly stifled (still recovering her, by the way). My sister and her husband have become more of my friends lately than just my family. I truly appreciate it. It's like it was when we were younger an significantly more comfortable with each other. Maybe they feel the need to protect me/take care of me more, but it might also be because my schedule is more flexible and we can hang out more often. I feel like I'm closer with my friends again, which is great. One of my college friends said to her husband "I feel like we're getting our Meredith back."

I hope more positive changes evolve from this adjustment, we'll have to wait and see.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Wednesday Vent

So after canceling my 2nd date for last Saturday night and talking to my therapist about "reasonable expectations", I've still been playing around on Plenty of Fish, but emphasizing on the playing. This one guy kept asking for my number because he didn't check his POF email that often. I wasn't feeling it, but finally last night I gave in. Mistake. He seemed pushy via email, he's been really pushy via text. I'm going to have to investigate getting a 2nd phone number. He was trying to get me to commit to meeting him for drinks. I said that I was pretty booked up for the week and wasn't much for making plans far in advance. This is mostly true. He seemed disappointed. Yep, I already feel like I'm disappointing this guy and I've never met him. When I went to say goodnight last night, he said "ok I'll talk to you tomorrow". Um, ok. This morning at 7:20am, I got a good morning text. Which would be super cute, if we were dating. Just got a "hi" text. I spoke to my BFF this morning about it and decided to ignore until it went away, but I expect an angry text at some point. I know I should probably just be upfront with him and tell him I'm not interested anymore, but I don't exactly owe him anything. Also, I'm curious if I can correctly predict the angry blow off reaction. I think I need to be with someone easy going, if anyone at all, and definitely not an eager beaver easily disappointed guy.

I started to have a protein shake every morning again. Maybe it's the placebo effect, but I definitely feel better about life than I did last week. Having a night off from school and a night off from volunteering this week is helping. Can't wait to relax tonight. Maybe get a leg up on some homework like a nerd.

Fun story:
I ordered a silverware caddy on Amazon last week. By accident, I sent it to my BFF in VA who happens to have a birthday this week. Before I realized this, the package arrived at her house. Conversation that happened between BFF & Wife:

Wife: Hey did you order something because a packaged arrived today?
BFF: No I didn't.
Wife: Oh maybe it's a birthday present. I'm going to open it in case you're not supposed to open it yet.
Wife: Um...if this is a birthday present, somebody doesn't love you.

Fast forward a few hours later, I emailed them and reported the mix-up. All is well.

"Remember that time I got you a silverware caddy for your birthday?"

Monday, October 8, 2012

It's amazing what a relaxing weekend will do for you

Even though I don't get Columbus day off and I worked this Friday, I still managed to relax a lot this weekend.

I caught up on sleep a little, saw my therapist, got my haircut and went shopping on Sunday. I wish I got caught up on homework more and/or went to the gym, but oh well. This morning I woke up feeling refreshed and ready to re-tackle the world.

Hopefully I can continue to focus on me. I think re-focusing on weight loss and saving moneywill help also.

Happy Columbus Day!

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Flip flopping

This morning I found myself smiling for no reason for the first time in a while. Even though I hadn't slept well again, I had texted a little bit with the guy from last weekend before bed. I was excited to be dating in the present tense. By late afternoon, I just felt overwhelmed and emotional about the whole thing.

I wonder if I rushed into this whole thing. I know I'm not really ready to be in a serious relationship, especially because T can still upset me SO much and keep me dwelling for a few days. I feel like I'm lying by omission by not saying in my profile "just got out of super serious long term relationship that was emotionally brutal, but anxious to get over it and start my adult life and have kids before my ovaries are dried up" I don't think my eyes or boobs will make up for that grenade.

Part of me wants to just go with the flow and see what happens. I'm definitely a little afraid of self sabotage. However, I am so used to being subservient (for lack of a better word) that I'm afraid I don't know how to be bold/decisive/an equal partner. I think in general I'm pretty old fashioned and would prefer to be pursued, but also I think it keeps me a little more emotionally safe.

Part of me knows that I deserve to be happy, to be in a healthy space. I also know that I am in mourning. What absolutely terrifies me as ridiculous as it seems is that by the Charlotte York rule of breakup thumb, I won't get over T for almost 3 years. (See note above re: ovaries). I just don't want to waste my life on negative feelings. I don't regret my relationship with T, but I don't want to let it occupy any more of my life. I know I did the best I could and it wasn't enough.

So I suppose I should just put one foot in front of the other, but I am a little worried that I might break out into hysterics (crying or panicking or both) without much warning. Full disclosure: one time in college this happened during an intimate encounter and it was not pretty. It was also embarrassing. So imagine bursting into tears while naked and then feeling bad about it, then try to pull yourself together in a hurry before anyone notices.

I assume I will go back and forth on this for a while, but I have to trust that someone is still looking out for me up there and everything will be ok in the end.

Monday, October 1, 2012

First First Date

So one time in college, I was bored and signed up for a 3 day trial on match.com. I went on one date and it was horrible. Like walk home along Newbury street and retail therapy horrible. I was a horrible date, he was a horrible date. So it was mutual. I mostly felt betrayed by his false advertising pictures. Anyway, it was horrible and I hoped that I would never have to online date ever again for the rest of my life. So far, not going as planned.

So on Friday afternoon, I took it upon myself to set up a plenty of fish profile. Mostly because it's a free site and seems to be low risk. It is sort of overwhelming. I've been getting a lot of emails, but most of them are "How u doin?" Ugh. I don't think I should be in a serious relationship RIGHT now, but I still don't want to spend time with someone who is a total waste of time. Being the hetero-normal lady I am, I'm not planning on initiating much really, rather just responding. I got an email from someone that seemed to meet my very superficial criteria. (I don't want to date someone significantly younger than me. Older would be better, but I'm not going after a 24 year old. Eff that. Also, I don't want to date short guys, guys with kids already or guys that are already losing their hair (and are ugly). Hey, I said it was superficial.)

Anyway, we emailed back and forth for most of the weekend and decided to meet in person yesterday afternoon. I was SO nervous. What do I wear? How do I find him? Is it going to be horrible? Then how to I escape? I had trouble doing my homework yesterday afternoon, and then went into full blown freak out about an hour before. I think it went well. We both seemed to have an easy time talking, but I'm afraid I word vomited all over him a few too many times. We'll see if he calls me again. I liked him and could see myself being comfortable spending time with him, but I'm not sure if it was quite the attraction I was hoping for. We'll see. What is it? Girls are pressure cookers, guys are microwaves?

Stay tuned!