Monday, July 15, 2013

Ikea Emotional Rollercoaster: in 8 Steps

Step one: Plan Trip w/ friend that has vehicle with adequate storage
Primary Emotion: Empowerment

Sub-steps:
-look at items on website to plan out which items you will look at in person.
- resolve to only buy items on the list you've created on the website
- sleep well knowing your apartment is soon going to be the epitome of organization and chicness

Step 2: Drive to Ikea w/ Friend mentioned above
Primary Emotion: Anticipation

Sub-steps:
- spend a lot of time looking for parking and psyching yourself up to only spend $XX
- Optional sub-step: Fuel up in cafeteria and have ongoing social commentary about the cultural prism that is the Ikea cafeteria.
- look at nearly everything in the store even though it isn't on your list
- pick up a handful of things before you're halfway through the showrooms because they cost less than $3 ea


Step 3: Select items to purchase
Primary emotion: Dread

Sub-steps:
-add things to your list that you didn't even realize existed but you NEED
-quickly do math and realize that you are blowing your budget. 
-convince your friend to impulse buy so he/she will return the favor and your budget is retroactively made in pencil

Step 4: Purchase
Primary Emotion: Acceptance

Sub-steps:
- Fight with giant cardboard pallets that are stacked as if everyone in the world is 6 feet tall and really strong
- Try to maneuver pallet cart like the sober person you know you are
- Try not to listen when total is announced by cashier.
- Buy 50 cent frozen yogurt cone which makes you feel better on two levels 1) low fat! 2) Bargain! (It might actually be $1, but whatever)

Step 5: Pack up car
Primary Emotion: Accomplished

Sub-steps:
- curse out your dad for not being Arthur Weasley and putting that charm on the car that makes it hold an obscene amount
- master spacial relations and feats of strength simultaneously (it is appropriate to announce "Girl Power" if your party is all female)
- Get into the car with the renewed sense of accomplishment that your apartment is going to be way more awesome than it was that morning

Step 6: Arrive at Home
Primary Emotion: Dread

Sub-steps
- realize that despite how exhausted you are, your purchases are not already in your apartment nor are they magically assembled
- try to figure out when the eff you're going to get this sh*t together so you can get your apartment back together

Step 7: Assembly
Primary Emotions: Frustration, Self-Loathing

Sub-steps:
- Find a way to move the packages to a large empty space by yourself
- Tear open the box and find the directions and fun little bags of screws
- Ensure that you have all the parts you will need.  (My bff suggested you lay them out in neat piles and as OCD as that sounds, it helps)
- Get to work. (I find it's best to do this with trash tv on in the background, so you can be reminded every so often that you are in fact an intelligent person) 
- Make mistakes that are almost impossible to un-do because those stupid plastic nails don't really work in two directions (Note: the frequency of your mistakes will increase as you go on)
-Complete assembly and wrestle drawers into their place as needed

Step 8: Celebration
Primary Emotions: Accomplishment and Exhaustion

sub-steps:
-send photos to your Mom and various other people
- Have a drink and/or pass out promptly.... you can put things into your new furniture tomorrow.





1 comment:

  1. HAHA - I didn't realize that I was also supposed to encourage the impulse buying, now I feel like a bad friend... lol...

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