Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Migraines and scars

Last week, I met with my doctor to discuss my migraines. I've had them for a few years, but recently my prescription hasn't been working very well. We know that they are at least partially stress related but so far I haven't found a particular trigger that's unavoidable. I know stress and periods are unavoidable. Anyway, it got me thinking about ways to reduce my stress level. 

I have always wanted to be a runner. Someone who could just work out happily anywhere in the world, someone who is skinny without trying so hard. So I feel like running in the morning would be a great multiask. However, why do I want to be thinner? Because some part of me thinks I could be more attractive and perhaps that is why I'm still single. I hate that small part of me, but I can't ignore that little bitch. I know I stress out a bit about being single. Some of the women in my family have gotten out of super long term, serious relationships and never seemed to find anyone else. I just don't want that to be my legacy. I know I'm only 30, but seriously, I thought I'd be making plans for babies soon.

As I reflected on what I might now refer to as "the little bitch", I realize that she is primarily shaped by T. T had me convinced (knowingly or not) that I wasn't quite good enough. I needed to be thinner, I needed to have healthier financials, I needed to skip lunch and wear more white. Despite all of this time, it pisses me off that any of that kind of thinking still enters into my mind at all. I guess I still have some scar tissue. 

Luckily for me (and not so lucky for the little bitch), I have great friends that will remind me that I'm awesome (and I believe them) and understand that when I let the little bitch out for a minute it isn't a reflection of how I feel most of the time, but if I let her escape a little bit at a time, maybe all of her will be gone for good. 

No comments:

Post a Comment