30

So I am now 30 years and 5 days old. Seems weird to have my age start with a 3. When my mom was my age, she had a 2 week old baby (me), when her mother was my age she was already widowed with two kids in elementary school. Part of me is anxious for adulthood, just a part.

Spent last weekend with family in New York City. It was great and my goal of surviving birthday without a meltdown was achieved. I was worried about being single and feeling disappointed about it.

I'm starting to feel ready to be on a relationship again. I'm terribly busy with school and what not, but I think I could sacrifice some me time for someone else if they were worth it. I quit the online dating thing a few weeks ago, but would consider picking up on okcupid again after spring semester. It is just such a chore to keep up with.

I have been talking to a guy a lot in the last month and we've hooked up a few times. I think I've neglected to write about it because something about it hasn't been sitting well with me and I didn't want the opportunity to process it in written word. I know that I am probably being hyper sensitive to anything potentially negative, but I know that I ignored and justified so many terrible things about T and our relationship. Lately I have this unshakeable feeling that he is hiding something or someone from me. I know that I'm a pretty open person with a tendency to overshare, but this seems like more than average space. I'm not used to early stages of dating or whatever this is. I feel like T and I just sort of went from 0 to serious in a few weeks, and that was 6 years ago. It's a sticky situation because I want to be open, honest and address the situation, but I'm not sure how appropriate that would be. We'll see!!

New Year's Resolutions

I feel semi-obligated to write this post as someone who has a blog. I wouldn't call myself a "blogger" per say, but still.  Resolutions are usually something that I am really into, or completely pass by. I'm never one to force them. Also, as a Jew, I have the advantage of getting a chance in early fall to make resolutions as well. For those of you who are paying attention, early fall was particularly tumultuous for me, so any resolutions I make now would just be coming from a much different place.

One year, my new year's resolution was to stop crossing arms in front of my chest. There were a few times where I would catch myself doing it and have a small freak out then throw my arms down like Sister Mary Margaret of SNL. I'm pretty sure that doing that was weirder than the negative vibes crossing your arms puts out. I still try to avoid this gesture, and am significantly more conscious of it when I do allow myself to do it.

Since I broke up with T, I've been working hard to be happy and improving myself. This includes reconnecting with my friends and family and getting healthier. I have lost some weight, but I can't quantify it because I left the scale I owned at the house I shared with T and haven't replaced it. I feel like I'm in a good place right now, but would still like to strive for some things in the year to come.

Happy 2013!

Relationship corner, latkes and finals

So I haven't been posting a lot lately. School temporarily took over my life. I feel like every semester seems so awful towards the end. Happy to report that I'm on my way to my finance final which officially ends the semester. This was my 5th semester and my first one single. So much has changed since September. I even talked to T on my first day as I did in the precious 4 semesters. Strange to imagine. I know I'm putti a lot of pressure on myself this semester because I have been single and could devote more time to school work. We will see.

Last weekend, I visited my Chicago cousins for Hanukkah. It wasn't so much planned that I'd be there for the holiday, but I'm glad I was. The girls are growing up too fast for me to only see them in the summer. Hanukkah was a huge success and I made my first latkes without my mom or sister watching. I managed to get some studying in too and hopefully tonight will go well.

My cousin I is married to this amazing woman M. They are one of those couples that just for so perfectly together and it's an added bonus that I get to have her it family too. Years ago, M was frustrated with her single marital status. Her sister in law helped her fung shui her apartment and famously removed the dirty laundry from her relationship corner. One month later, M and I met and the rest is history. We discussed this over the weekend and she lent me the red vase that replaced her dirty laundry and landed her a husband. We'll see if it works. We were joking thy I would mail I back after the honeymoon and that if they started to argue more I would send it back in a hurry. Not sure I completely buy into this stuff, but it is fun nonetheless.

I feel like I'm opening myself up to dating a little more, but that will be another post.

Today's Horoscope

This was my horoscope this morning:
	There are days when you feel wonderful without being able to attribute the feeling to any real event. Of course, your rational mind will search for a reason for your happiness. But if you count the number of times when you do things against your will, or vice-versa, it becomes obvious that logic and reason do not always apply to this world. Don't even try to understand; just enjoy!

Defiance

I feel like I'm in the stage where I'm mostly over the break up and don't think about it too often, but I occasionally find myself doing things T frowned upon. Most frequent offender: not drying my hair before I leave the house.

Today I'm wearing a ponytail at work and have been boycotting the bobby pins that hold my few short pieces neatly in place. Because I can. I never had a huge issue with tucking a little hair behind my ears. I don't look like I went through a wind tunnel or anything, but maybe some hair out of place can actually be more attractive.

Happy Friday!

Thanksgiving Reflections

So I survived Thanksgiving with my family. I was a little nervous that it would be rough because it's my first holiday solo, but I think it went well. I definitely had a headache all day on Thursday. It might have been stress related, I couldn't help but think about T and his family a little going into such a major holiday. I have to remember it's not my responsibility anymore. This might have been catalyzed by a facebook app glitch showing me his FB profile pic on Wednesday afternoon. His new profile picture is of him and his new girlfriend. He looks thin which worries me a little, but also it hurt a bit because he never seemed to want to have me in his profile picture. I managed to delete or archive the conversation and cursed out the facebook app for once again sucking.

My mom and I talked about it a little on Thursday afternoon while we were sitting around in between dinner prep activities. It helped to talk about it a little, even though I didn't want to acknowledge the situation at all. I think I forget that I'm still healing a little. True to form, I'm just anxious to be at the next step. 

Overall, the weekend was relaxing. I spent a lot of time with my family and caught up on a bulk of my homework. My dad has become very affectionate in his retirement which is cute. I showed him how to change electrical outlets and he was really excited. My sister's room's outlets were horribly worn out, so we decided to do those right away. Our plan is to replace all the switches and outlets in the house while I'm home for a week and a half in December. My parents have slowly been fixing up the house and now with white molding everywhere, it's time to replace the old almond colored hardware. My dad was actually excited when he figured out that the porch light wasn't working properly because the switch was worn out. My mom is excited to have the switches match and have them just look nicer in general.

Got home late. I feel like my apartment is a mess, but that's ok. Managed to work out twice over the weekend, so hopefully the 4 pieces of pumpkin pie, and 3 pieces of chocolate cake won't follow me around for too long.

Leave me alone!!

So I was watching an old episode of Teen Mom 2 the other night, and Janelle and Barb had a fight that ended in Janelle screaming "LEAVE ME ALONE!!" Then it was playing in my head for the rest of the week. I hate when that happens, but a similar incident inspired me to name my future goldfish Shania and Goldie (story another day). I digress...

So over the weekend while I was running around Manhattan with my mom and sister and decided I was over online dating. It was feeling like a chore. My friend had expressed concern the week before and it was weighing on me. I had quit Plenty of Fish (by quit I mean, stop logging in and deleting the app from my phone) because I had narrowly escaped a second episode of someone sending me a picture of their boy parts. (Side note: wtf) I've been joking with friends that I don't want a relationship, but a friends with benefits; or I've been joking that I want to at least pretend I'm dating someone before they see me naked. The magic of POF had just worn off. The only semi-promising guys would just fade into oblivion or only write back every other day. OKCupid seemed to be going better, the site has more substance to it. I even spoke on the phone with a guy, but it was boring and felt like a shitty job interview. It occurred to me that I really didn't have time to be dating. So, I sort of stopped checking my messages on there. Users can see the last time the person logged in, and I'm on strike. I totally left in the middle of a conversation with a guy that showed promise, but enough is enough. And part of this whole new chapter thing is that I can do whatever I want.

And then, there's this friend of mine from college. We started texting over a week ago. He's already learned my weekly schedule and has been texting me VERY regularly. It would be cute, if I wasn't so sure he was rebounding, or if I was interested like that, or if I didn't feel so smothered. I seem to feel smothered VERY easily. I'm trying to not respond as much aka walking the line between being an elusive bitch and not expressing too much mutual interest.

So that's that. I'm enjoying my "me" time and don't really want someone in the mix just yet. Although, sometimes I feel differently.