2 years....a little late

It’s been just over two years since I moved out on my own, and I have been reflecting on where I am compared to where I thought I’d be.

 Overall, I continue to be in a really good place. I am happy, and continue to grow more and more comfortable with myself. My goal for myself was to really figure out who I am without someone’s influence and get used to being that person. As I’m sure I’ve mentioned here before, I really don’t want to let another relationship change who I am.

 I really thought that by now, I’d be in another relationship, but sadly I am not. For a while, I just didn’t want to deal with all the dating drama while I was finishing business school, but now I think I’m more open to the idea. What is difficult is the pressure of the entire situation. I know my family and my close friends would like to see me settled, I would like to see me settled, but husbands aren’t Amazon Prime eligible.

 We’ll see how that all goes. I might actually get back into internet dating in the next few months. Lord help me.

Meds

After 7 weeks of tapering, tonight is my first night in several years (4 maybe?) where I am going to sleep without taking a Zoloft first. 

This is part of a two part change:

- I want to get off Zoloft so I can take different meds when I get migraines 

- I wanted to decrease my meds after I finished my MBA 

I have felt fine through the tapering and I assume I will continue to not feel different. I'm excited to have one less pharmaceutical in my blood stream. 

February

Here’s where my mind has been recently: I’m really glad that whole national news story with T hasn’t blown up. There is still an opportunity for that to happen, but so far I haven’t seen his face on the opening credits of the Today show when I’m running late to work. I don’t like how I’ve been thinking about him more lately. He apparently proposed to his girlfriend which has been difficult to digest. I wasn’t even allowed to discuss our future after 5+ years, but go ahead, propose to someone you just started dating. I’ve caught myself thinking of ways to anonymously torture him, not sure why. 

I didn’t want to online date in November/December because I felt like it would be a bunch of weirdos who were anxious to have a significant other by Christmas. I can channel my gift giving energies into my friends and family thankyouverymuch. Now, I’m worried the same thing is happening with Valentine’s Day. I haven’t liked V-day since I got dumped on Valentine’s day 1999. People get crazy this time of year. It’s not a real holiday, stop judging yourself! My bff and I decided to make it a friends holiday several years ago and have roped her wife into the mix. This year I even got their 3 dogs a gift, because I was in Target and they were selling treats in heart shaped boxes. Anyway, I’m hesitant to even consider online dating for the next two weeks for that reason alone. I’m really feeling like my last 3 experiences online were so terrible and made me feel so badly about myself, that I’d really rather not do it again, but how am I supposed to meet someone? 

Which brings me to my final topic: How am I supposed to meet someone? As a person who likes to plan ahead and account for possible future scenarios, who doesn’t like uncertainty so much so that she nearly failed her pass/fail class “Decision Making in Times of Uncertainty”, I don’t like this waiting thing. I know, I know, it happens when you least expect it, blah blah blah. I’m not the kind of girl who reads the last page of the book first (that never made sense to me) or reads spoilers, but I want to know how this journey will end. I am really trying to focus on just polishing myself up, and working on my confidence, I am. I believe God has a plan for me, and “he” is out there somewhere, but I find myself filling my spare time with women’s networking groups and the Boys & Girls Club….which aren’t exactly hot spots for single, age appropriate men. We’ll see how the story develops I think it helps for me to word vomit here on occasion, I hope to start posting more soon.

It's Holiday Season Again.

I just re-read the post I published after last Thanksgiving. I definitely had a migraine for most of the day Thursday and that was miserable, but I am definitely entering this holiday with less trepidation. I think I'm actually excited. I'm a little anxious about the potential family drama but that is par for the course and definitely not related to me being single.

This year it's Thanksgivukkah or however you want to call it. I'm excited to spend Hanukkah with my two little cousins (and their new baby sister) again this year. I can't help but be reminded of where I was this time last year when I flew to Chicago to see them. Really the only thing I miss is the random weight loss from the stress. :)

Just a few things that are semi-related:

1) School and work are cray-cray. I'm really disappointed by one of the classes I'm taking. I'm not sure I learned very much of anything. I probably would have learned more if I just read the Wall Street Journal for several hours a week. I don't think I'm going to get a good grade and I totally had a meltdown about it a few weeks ago. We're talking crying hysterically on the phone while driving from school to my apartment meltdown. It was therapeutic (so my Mom says). Work is always extra crazy this time of year, but there is extra pressure with my new job that makes failure so much worse. However, I did just get an award with my old team, so yay last spring me?

2) It's been over 6 months since I've really dated. It's strange. I want to be dating, but yet don't have the patience for the BS associated with it. I'm trying to focus on the upside of being single in December: only one family to deal with/schedule and avoiding the awkward "how much am I supposed to spend on him?" situation. I hated online dating so much, I'm not sure if I can put myself through it. And soon the age next to my user name will be 31. Maybe my opener should be "I promise I won't get pregnant by accident to try to get you to propose to me within 6 months because my biological clock is ticking!" Seriously, that's what I'd think about a 31 year old woman on a dating site.

3) So last year, I was semi dating someone else but it just didn't work out well and sort of went up in flames. He had blocked me on facebook and gchat, so I was a little surprised to hear from him a few weeks ago via email. He was making small talk, and I responded at first, but ultimately I am not impressed by his latest efforts. My main issue with him is that I wanted to be pursued a little and he wanted to be chased. I don't see how that could have changed, and if it has, I'm going to need more than a subject-less email asking me how I am to prove that he's ready to put in the effort. Also, when we went through our non-break up, he showed a side of himself that I was completely turned off by. Furthermore, two of my best friends don't like him and are opposed to me communicating with him at all. I'm not going to spend more of my life trying to let everyone think that my relationship is amazing. However, I just want to be pursued a little. It'd be nice.

I am, in general, happy. I do really enjoy my job even though it may or may not result in a glass of wine before bed on occasion. I'm almost done with my MBA and I can't wait to have that accomplishment under my belt....and have my life back. I've been gaining weight as a byproduct of my schedule, but I've accepted it and will just kick my own ass in a few weeks. I have awesome friends and I've spent the last few weekends with my family and "family". I still marvel a little at how great it is to make my own schedule without someone putting me down or judging my choices. I hope that goes away soon, but whatever. :)

Happy Thanksgivukkah!

Migraines and scars

Last week, I met with my doctor to discuss my migraines. I've had them for a few years, but recently my prescription hasn't been working very well. We know that they are at least partially stress related but so far I haven't found a particular trigger that's unavoidable. I know stress and periods are unavoidable. Anyway, it got me thinking about ways to reduce my stress level. 

I have always wanted to be a runner. Someone who could just work out happily anywhere in the world, someone who is skinny without trying so hard. So I feel like running in the morning would be a great multiask. However, why do I want to be thinner? Because some part of me thinks I could be more attractive and perhaps that is why I'm still single. I hate that small part of me, but I can't ignore that little bitch. I know I stress out a bit about being single. Some of the women in my family have gotten out of super long term, serious relationships and never seemed to find anyone else. I just don't want that to be my legacy. I know I'm only 30, but seriously, I thought I'd be making plans for babies soon.

As I reflected on what I might now refer to as "the little bitch", I realize that she is primarily shaped by T. T had me convinced (knowingly or not) that I wasn't quite good enough. I needed to be thinner, I needed to have healthier financials, I needed to skip lunch and wear more white. Despite all of this time, it pisses me off that any of that kind of thinking still enters into my mind at all. I guess I still have some scar tissue. 

Luckily for me (and not so lucky for the little bitch), I have great friends that will remind me that I'm awesome (and I believe them) and understand that when I let the little bitch out for a minute it isn't a reflection of how I feel most of the time, but if I let her escape a little bit at a time, maybe all of her will be gone for good. 

Merry Christmas

Just noticed this never went through. Stupid Hudson valley cell service. 

So this is my first Christmas with only one family to juggle. It's brought on some mixed feelings, but for the most part I'm happy with the lack of complications that come with multiple Christmases in different locations.

This morning my hair still smells like fried fish and I can't wait to stuff my face with more of my grandmother's food. Movies later with my parents and brother. :-)

Merry Christmas everyone!

Don't stand too close...

So in Game of Thrones, there is a character who is mostly a bad guy, but more importantly, he was scarred on his face as a child from fire. He probably wasn't going to be a good looking guy anyway, but it sort of makes him extra beastly. Even though this character is very brave and a good fighter, he gets crazy around fire. He abandons an important battle once they started setting everything aflame. At first it seems like an elephant being afraid of a mouse, but then you remember why he is so terrified and almost forgive him.

There were certain things that T would say to me that never sat well with me, but I didn't realize just how deeply he was cutting me until after I moved out. Several months ago a male friend was giving me unsolicited advice on working out and I just felt irrationally offended. I finally explained that I really didn't need help and I really didn't want to talk about it and why. I was hoping that it was just a raw wound, but today I found myself getting upset by a similar conversation again. I shouldn't be so offended, I'm the one that opened up the talk of wanting to be thinner. I don't like watching my calories or doing anything in particular. Eventually I just crack and it goes downhill. I much prefer to just try to be as active as possible and eat as healthy as possible. I managed to gracefully end the topic of conversation without an explanation. I'm really trying not to talk about T anymore. Crap....I hope the blog doesn't count.

Anyway, I really hope these old scars heal over to the point where I don't think about it anymore....time will tell.

Throwbacks

As part of setting up my ipad, I have been fiddling with my playlists on all of my devices. Unfortunately, I have SO many songs on my old laptop, which doesn't exactly have a working screen. At some point I might need to risk the seizure to retrieve them, because I'm sure there are plenty of treasures on there.

As part of my healing process and trying to remember who I am, I find myself reverting back to the 23 year old version of myself. Unfortunately for my biological clock, I'm still 30 in real life. This combined with my recently rediscovered mp3's, has been quite interesting. I find my old songs soothing and cheerful even if the subject matter is not remotely cheerful. The best part is, that I still remember ALL the lyrics. 

Looking forward to my ongoing musical discovery...

Today's Horoscope

This was my horoscope this morning:
	There are days when you feel wonderful without being able to attribute the feeling to any real event. Of course, your rational mind will search for a reason for your happiness. But if you count the number of times when you do things against your will, or vice-versa, it becomes obvious that logic and reason do not always apply to this world. Don't even try to understand; just enjoy!

Defiance

I feel like I'm in the stage where I'm mostly over the break up and don't think about it too often, but I occasionally find myself doing things T frowned upon. Most frequent offender: not drying my hair before I leave the house.

Today I'm wearing a ponytail at work and have been boycotting the bobby pins that hold my few short pieces neatly in place. Because I can. I never had a huge issue with tucking a little hair behind my ears. I don't look like I went through a wind tunnel or anything, but maybe some hair out of place can actually be more attractive.

Happy Friday!

Thanksgiving Reflections

So I survived Thanksgiving with my family. I was a little nervous that it would be rough because it's my first holiday solo, but I think it went well. I definitely had a headache all day on Thursday. It might have been stress related, I couldn't help but think about T and his family a little going into such a major holiday. I have to remember it's not my responsibility anymore. This might have been catalyzed by a facebook app glitch showing me his FB profile pic on Wednesday afternoon. His new profile picture is of him and his new girlfriend. He looks thin which worries me a little, but also it hurt a bit because he never seemed to want to have me in his profile picture. I managed to delete or archive the conversation and cursed out the facebook app for once again sucking.

My mom and I talked about it a little on Thursday afternoon while we were sitting around in between dinner prep activities. It helped to talk about it a little, even though I didn't want to acknowledge the situation at all. I think I forget that I'm still healing a little. True to form, I'm just anxious to be at the next step. 

Overall, the weekend was relaxing. I spent a lot of time with my family and caught up on a bulk of my homework. My dad has become very affectionate in his retirement which is cute. I showed him how to change electrical outlets and he was really excited. My sister's room's outlets were horribly worn out, so we decided to do those right away. Our plan is to replace all the switches and outlets in the house while I'm home for a week and a half in December. My parents have slowly been fixing up the house and now with white molding everywhere, it's time to replace the old almond colored hardware. My dad was actually excited when he figured out that the porch light wasn't working properly because the switch was worn out. My mom is excited to have the switches match and have them just look nicer in general.

Got home late. I feel like my apartment is a mess, but that's ok. Managed to work out twice over the weekend, so hopefully the 4 pieces of pumpkin pie, and 3 pieces of chocolate cake won't follow me around for too long.

Friday edition

So last week, I felt really bummed out for no particular reason. It could have been for one of several reasons. I had just purchased a car, interviewed for three different positions and was doing well (officially) in school. Part of me felt funny for experiencing all of these things without telling T. It's strange to not share my life with him anymore. I think the peak of my feeling bad was on the anniversary of my friend's death, which I didn't associate until later in the day.

Anyway, this week has been great. Very crazy, but great. My boss was on vacation so I was mostly holding down the fort by myself. By yesterday afternoon, I was joking about tipping over carts filled with product in a rage. Nothing was really going my way and everything seemed annoying. I'm pretty good about not taking my work home with me in an emotional sense and was able to recover via butt-kicking at the gym.

I feel like I'm settled into single life. I'm happy with myself and not in a rush to add someone into the mix. Thinking about taking a break from my online dating forays. I stopped checking my Plenty of Fish account because it was just too many sketchballs. Will keep OKCupid active, but will lower my expectations.

Excited for the weekend. Going to NYC with my mom and my sister to see Evita on Broadway. Could really use some sleep, but oh well!!

Ups and Downs

People keep telling me that I should expect good days and bad days, but I'm not a huge fan of the bad days. I haven't really had one in a few weeks so I suppose I'm entitled, but I'd really rather not.

Last night I had trouble falling asleep and felt lonely and anxious to just have a new guy in my life. I wonder if I'm missing out on this whole rebound thing. It could be fun, but I almost feel like I'm too old and too rational. Last night I found myself missing my senior year of college social life, no strings, no expectations.

Today I even miss T a little. Then I remember how awful that was most of the time and remember how much better off I am. I think I mostly miss the idea of him. It's so strange that I have a these major things going on in my life, and he has no idea. It's not so much that I want to call him and him, it's just strange. Don't get me wrong, I'm still confident that cutting him out of my life completely brought me more peace than I could have anticipated.

So there we are.

Update

So I'm feeling pretty good about everything. I find myself to be more rational and easy going, less emotional and upset all the time. It's great. I know I'm lucky to have such an amazing support system and a handful of great positive female role models. My maternal grandmother was widowed in her late 20s and managed to raise two children and then go get a college degree. Her sister in law, taught in Harlem and was really independent until she fell head over heels for a nice Jewish doctor. It's nice to know I have it in my DNA to be awesome. :)

Anyway....

I've been playing around on two free online dating websites. Most of my encounters (thankfully not in person) have been weird or they seem great then fizzle or take a weird turn. I'm really hoping someone just falls into my lap and I can avoid this whole thing. I feel like I keep getting contacted by men old enough to have been my father and I also have this terrible feeling that every single guy in Boston has serious facial hair. I just don't like it! On the other hand, I haven't exactly set myself up schedule wise for dating. I'm not sure when exactly I'm supposed to be dating. Meh :)

Changes

I want to say that in general, I think the positive changes to my life far out weigh the bad.

I'm really starting to miss aspects of suburban housewife life. I miss having parking lots everywhere. I miss my amazing kitchen. I miss having a garbage disposal and a dishwasher. I miss my cleaning lady. I'm having serious manicure scruples. (Rich people problems).

I know I can get most of those suburban things back one day and enjoy the rest of my life a little more at the same time.

I feel like my relationships with those close to me are stronger than they were before. I'm not sure if its because they disapproved of T or if it was just because the real me was slightly stifled (still recovering her, by the way). My sister and her husband have become more of my friends lately than just my family. I truly appreciate it. It's like it was when we were younger an significantly more comfortable with each other. Maybe they feel the need to protect me/take care of me more, but it might also be because my schedule is more flexible and we can hang out more often. I feel like I'm closer with my friends again, which is great. One of my college friends said to her husband "I feel like we're getting our Meredith back."

I hope more positive changes evolve from this adjustment, we'll have to wait and see.

It's amazing what a relaxing weekend will do for you

Even though I don't get Columbus day off and I worked this Friday, I still managed to relax a lot this weekend.

I caught up on sleep a little, saw my therapist, got my haircut and went shopping on Sunday. I wish I got caught up on homework more and/or went to the gym, but oh well. This morning I woke up feeling refreshed and ready to re-tackle the world.

Hopefully I can continue to focus on me. I think re-focusing on weight loss and saving moneywill help also.

Happy Columbus Day!

Unfinished diaries

I used to start a new journal or diary every so often. I'd commit for a few days, then forget. Most of those entries were written during break ups or something equally traumatizing, so I hate to go back and read them. I'm hoping both of those things don't continue with this blog.

Anyway, I've been busy. School started and I started volunteering tonight. Even though I've been keeping busy, I can still get lonely sometimes. It still seems surreal to me that I live in this apartment by myself. I am settling in better. I'm currently doing laundry in the basement. I haven't needed quarters to do laundry in forever. Such is the life of a single girl!