Obligatory NYE Post

I haven't been good about blogging lately, I'm not entirely sure it can be blamed on my busy work and school schedule. It might be because I'm in a much better place than I was when I started this blog. It occurred to me that I could read last year's post but that would likely bum me out. 

Moving on....

This is my favorite holiday. I love spending NYE and the days surrounding it with my faux family (my parents' best friends and their kids) and not putting so much pressure on going out and ripping it up. Our typical routine is to hang out, go to the movies and binge eat our favorite foods. Spending NYE in yoga pants is actually pretty awesome. 

My other favorite aspect of this time of year is that I don't have to work and I have a chance to just reflect and re-center myself.  I've been thinking about this past year and how I'm a little disappointed with where I am now. I'm at my heaviest weight and have no love life to speak of. However, I also have a better job than last year and I have one class left in my MBA program. I'm trying to think of 2013 as my "rebuilding year" and 2014 as the year when everything awesome happens. I'm like that football team that had some major injuries in September and didn't make the playoffs, but next season I will be healthy and a major contender.  I don't have a set resolution, but I want to focus on me this year. I think the time to heal and readjust is over and now it is the time to improve. I think if I am happier with myself  (my bank account, the number on the scale, included even through I wish it didn't matter) the positive energy I put out will help the rest of the pieces fall into place. 

So that's my plan for now: work on being more awesome. :-) I'll try to blog more too. 

It's Holiday Season Again.

I just re-read the post I published after last Thanksgiving. I definitely had a migraine for most of the day Thursday and that was miserable, but I am definitely entering this holiday with less trepidation. I think I'm actually excited. I'm a little anxious about the potential family drama but that is par for the course and definitely not related to me being single.

This year it's Thanksgivukkah or however you want to call it. I'm excited to spend Hanukkah with my two little cousins (and their new baby sister) again this year. I can't help but be reminded of where I was this time last year when I flew to Chicago to see them. Really the only thing I miss is the random weight loss from the stress. :)

Just a few things that are semi-related:

1) School and work are cray-cray. I'm really disappointed by one of the classes I'm taking. I'm not sure I learned very much of anything. I probably would have learned more if I just read the Wall Street Journal for several hours a week. I don't think I'm going to get a good grade and I totally had a meltdown about it a few weeks ago. We're talking crying hysterically on the phone while driving from school to my apartment meltdown. It was therapeutic (so my Mom says). Work is always extra crazy this time of year, but there is extra pressure with my new job that makes failure so much worse. However, I did just get an award with my old team, so yay last spring me?

2) It's been over 6 months since I've really dated. It's strange. I want to be dating, but yet don't have the patience for the BS associated with it. I'm trying to focus on the upside of being single in December: only one family to deal with/schedule and avoiding the awkward "how much am I supposed to spend on him?" situation. I hated online dating so much, I'm not sure if I can put myself through it. And soon the age next to my user name will be 31. Maybe my opener should be "I promise I won't get pregnant by accident to try to get you to propose to me within 6 months because my biological clock is ticking!" Seriously, that's what I'd think about a 31 year old woman on a dating site.

3) So last year, I was semi dating someone else but it just didn't work out well and sort of went up in flames. He had blocked me on facebook and gchat, so I was a little surprised to hear from him a few weeks ago via email. He was making small talk, and I responded at first, but ultimately I am not impressed by his latest efforts. My main issue with him is that I wanted to be pursued a little and he wanted to be chased. I don't see how that could have changed, and if it has, I'm going to need more than a subject-less email asking me how I am to prove that he's ready to put in the effort. Also, when we went through our non-break up, he showed a side of himself that I was completely turned off by. Furthermore, two of my best friends don't like him and are opposed to me communicating with him at all. I'm not going to spend more of my life trying to let everyone think that my relationship is amazing. However, I just want to be pursued a little. It'd be nice.

I am, in general, happy. I do really enjoy my job even though it may or may not result in a glass of wine before bed on occasion. I'm almost done with my MBA and I can't wait to have that accomplishment under my belt....and have my life back. I've been gaining weight as a byproduct of my schedule, but I've accepted it and will just kick my own ass in a few weeks. I have awesome friends and I've spent the last few weekends with my family and "family". I still marvel a little at how great it is to make my own schedule without someone putting me down or judging my choices. I hope that goes away soon, but whatever. :)

Happy Thanksgivukkah!

Migraines and scars

Last week, I met with my doctor to discuss my migraines. I've had them for a few years, but recently my prescription hasn't been working very well. We know that they are at least partially stress related but so far I haven't found a particular trigger that's unavoidable. I know stress and periods are unavoidable. Anyway, it got me thinking about ways to reduce my stress level. 

I have always wanted to be a runner. Someone who could just work out happily anywhere in the world, someone who is skinny without trying so hard. So I feel like running in the morning would be a great multiask. However, why do I want to be thinner? Because some part of me thinks I could be more attractive and perhaps that is why I'm still single. I hate that small part of me, but I can't ignore that little bitch. I know I stress out a bit about being single. Some of the women in my family have gotten out of super long term, serious relationships and never seemed to find anyone else. I just don't want that to be my legacy. I know I'm only 30, but seriously, I thought I'd be making plans for babies soon.

As I reflected on what I might now refer to as "the little bitch", I realize that she is primarily shaped by T. T had me convinced (knowingly or not) that I wasn't quite good enough. I needed to be thinner, I needed to have healthier financials, I needed to skip lunch and wear more white. Despite all of this time, it pisses me off that any of that kind of thinking still enters into my mind at all. I guess I still have some scar tissue. 

Luckily for me (and not so lucky for the little bitch), I have great friends that will remind me that I'm awesome (and I believe them) and understand that when I let the little bitch out for a minute it isn't a reflection of how I feel most of the time, but if I let her escape a little bit at a time, maybe all of her will be gone for good. 

Text messages

I have a tendency to screen capture fun texts I exchange with people. Sometimes I scroll back trough my camera roll and giggle. These are a few of my current favorites: 

This one is pretty self explanatory. My mom is a bit of a feminist and taught us the virtues of wearing appropriate clothing (especially for the first day of school).

Kate is my BFF. She is married to a woman and also works for a major GLBT lobbying organization. 

This is my sister. She has a tendency to seek revenge on people who have done her wrong. When she got woken up in the middle of the night in college because a full beer can flew through her window and into her bed, those girls got kicked out of the dorms. 

Pretty sure no one else will find these funny, but whatever, I am smiling. 

Sunday smiles

I've come to realize the last few weekends that each weekend I've had the last few months have been great. I am really starting to feel settled into my life with great friends and plenty to do.

Today I have way too much to do. I'm really anxious to just be done with school!

Back to work for me!

Just when you think you're in the clear...

So what's really funny about a break up after a long term relationship is just when you think you've completely cleared every aspect of that person out of your life and are on your merry way, something totally random catches you off guard. See email to my mom below:

Subject: I need my own sitcom...for serious

Got a call from Sleepy's yesterday to say my mattress would be delivered by 2:15. I figured it was a wrong number somehow and ignored it.
Today the driver called me to be like "hey, i'm here." So I said, well that's my number but I didn't order a mattress.
Then! I get a call for (my full name mispronounced) about how they need to release the driver if I don't show up at my front door soon for this mattress. So I called back.

I said "Well I'm really confused because I've never purchased a mattress from you."

"Do you live up in B*****?"

"Oh.....well....so that would be my ex-boyfriend.....this is awkward....I'll give you his number"

"Ok, I'm really sorry about that. Your name must have been on the form from 2011."

"Omg....gross...warranty claim? I don't want to know"

(laughing) "I'm sorry about that."

"Call T....(number)"

"Ok, I''ll tell him you said hi." (laughs)

(laughs) "Yeah, no thank you. I'm sure this will crack up your co-workers later."

So now I'm stuck with all this mental imagery regarding T and his bed. No thank you! I'm just hoping it was the dog's fault....(Side note: I think I was replaced by a golden retriever).

File this under "things that only happen to me"

A New Year

It's Rosh Hashanah, which means Jewish New Year. It's also been One year and three days since I moved into my very own apartment. It's a lot to reflect on. I have been thinking about this post for a while and I have to admit I am totally winging it. 

So let's start with an update: fall semester started up again last night. I always get anxious about the unknown at the start of the semester. Some professors come off as so serious and demanding in their syllabi, but end up being teddy bears. At the very least, this is my second to last semester! I'm starting to get into a stride with my new job. I'm definitely not comfortable yet and so many of my coworkers have been on the program for decades, so I know I have a long way to go. 

Last weekend I spent a few days with my BFF and her family. I had done the same thing last July during a work shut down, before things fully went south with T. It was an interesting comparison.  On Sunday evening when we were toasting before dinner, I had reminded everyone of my freedom anniversary and they all rejoiced.  I had bought myself a present: a silver feather bangle, but decided to not wear it until Tuesday when I got back home. It's a nice reminder of where I have come in the last year. 

As I drove my BFF to the airport on Monday, we reflected on the weekend and where my personal life is at the moment. I declared that this past year was about me healing and resetting, but this coming year is about me perfecting and really focusing on me. 

So with that, we'll have to see what happens. I will try to continue to blog.