2 years....a little late

It’s been just over two years since I moved out on my own, and I have been reflecting on where I am compared to where I thought I’d be.

 Overall, I continue to be in a really good place. I am happy, and continue to grow more and more comfortable with myself. My goal for myself was to really figure out who I am without someone’s influence and get used to being that person. As I’m sure I’ve mentioned here before, I really don’t want to let another relationship change who I am.

 I really thought that by now, I’d be in another relationship, but sadly I am not. For a while, I just didn’t want to deal with all the dating drama while I was finishing business school, but now I think I’m more open to the idea. What is difficult is the pressure of the entire situation. I know my family and my close friends would like to see me settled, I would like to see me settled, but husbands aren’t Amazon Prime eligible.

 We’ll see how that all goes. I might actually get back into internet dating in the next few months. Lord help me.

Meds

After 7 weeks of tapering, tonight is my first night in several years (4 maybe?) where I am going to sleep without taking a Zoloft first. 

This is part of a two part change:

- I want to get off Zoloft so I can take different meds when I get migraines 

- I wanted to decrease my meds after I finished my MBA 

I have felt fine through the tapering and I assume I will continue to not feel different. I'm excited to have one less pharmaceutical in my blood stream. 

Things That Only Happen to Me

I have a reoccurring theme with my twitter and facebook posts, as well as text messages to my sister, mother and friends: Things That Only Happen to Me and its sister category: Things That Only I Would Say. I thought I'd share some examples: 

Today's: "Mood of the afternoon compltely turned around by the bag of Jelly Belly's found in my purse. #thingsthatonlyhappentome" 

"I get PTSD flashbacks from drywall dust" #thingsonlyiwouldsay 

"I bought a sodastream because I saw one on sale in pink. Yes, Pink is why I finally pulled the trigger." 

"Tuesday: broke a mirror, learned the zip code in Bahrain, got a voicemail from a 3 year old asking for a cape....day in the life"

Dating Humor

When I re-entered the dating world over a year ago, I discovered the horrors of "Dick Pics". I had always operated under the Seinfeld theory of Good Naked (women) and Bad Naked (men). And it's not like I don't like male parts, I just don't need them eye-raping me on my phone. This infographic cracked me up. 

Weddings

This past weekend I traveled to VA to celebrate my good friend's marriage. She eloped exactly one year ago, but wanted to celebrate with their families for their anniversary. She had also announced to us via email a few weeks ago that they are expecting a baby in November.

Overall, it was a really fun weekend. I was a little anxious about how it would be since I knew I would be spending a lot of non stop time with some of my college friends and I wasn't sure how that would go. It was mostly not dramatic and very fun. 

This might be the first wedding I've been to since right before I moved out on my own. That wedding was super super painful. This wedding was significantly less upsetting but some jealousy did tug at me. I see the way the not-so-new couple look at each other and want that. I don't necessarily want a southern church wedding, but I do crave a devoted husband and baby daddy (same guy, not one of each). I have to have faith that it's all going to happen in due course, but for some reason I feel like I'm running out of time to find the one and get married in my 30s. Then I think "seriously, you're only 31." I'm hoping to get over this sense of urgency soon, but I always have felt that if you want something you should take actions to get it and I'm not taking any actions to find a partner. I think it would be better if I think of being single as getting really comfortable and settled into who I am and what makes me happy, so that I'm ready for a healthy relationship. (I feel like I've said that here before). I'll try to focus on that aspect of my relationship status, but my empty uterus will probably over power my subconscious (I hate that bitch). 

Whoa

So I haven't written in a while. This semester was really crazy. I thought taking one class would be a breeze, but clearly I don't remember any classes being a breeze, not sure why I thought that would happen. Anyway, life got away from me, but I have an MBA!!! After Four years of classes, and even though I've been saying "I have most of an MBA" for the last several months, it doesn't quite feel real. I expect it won't hit me that I'm done with classes until September when I don't go back (I've been taking summers off). I haven't thought about T much since he showed up on abcnews.com in January, until this week. I never felt like he supported me going to business school and part of me wants to send him a picture of my diploma on Friday with my middle finger. I won't do it, but it would be satisfying to know that he knows how well I'm doing. I would say that the news will probably trickle back to him somehow, but I've really cut out all potential social connections. 

Last night, I had a dream that we had somehow gotten back together for a few months and I was trying to break up with him. I was sitting in my parents' dining room too, which was weird. He was trying to reject my break up and how I would miss him. I wouldn't even verbally respond, I just kept trying to run away. He isn't even worth arguing with in a dream! Crazy! Anyway, I'm so proud of myself for finishing my MBA, but so scared to pay off my loans. I think my online shopping days might have to end.....Wah wah.

Happy Tears

Nearly as soon as I had made a plan t move out on my own, I got in touch with the Boys and Girls Club I had volunteered with through work. I set myself up to be a homework room volunteer. This means I go and help kids with their homework who don't have the luxury of helicopter parents to help. I love it there. 

Occasionally I get a bratty kid who I have to remind that "I did my math homework in 4th grade, you have to do yours too", but for the most part I leave feeling as though I helped some kid figure it out. I have become the volunteer who will nearly beg the high school kids to help them with their math homework, or get a shit-eating grin from a coordinator when I walk in as they are struggling to help someone with chemistry. Somehow, last year I became a regular mentor to J, a junior in high school who was struggling with US History. Despite history not being my forte, we got into a good rhythm and her grade improved drastically. 

This year, we work on all of her classes, and I have finally convinced her that I am awesome at explaining math and we should have done THAT more last year. 

Tonight, J announced she had gotten into 4 colleges. She is going to college! Last year, in a darkish moment last year she said "well, if I don't get into college, I'll join the Air Force." I faked being supportive, but I was scared for her. Coming from a low income family and with her not so great grades, I worried she would end up in the Air Force and not at community college. Recounting this story tonight I started to tear up. I'm so proud of her and so excited. 

I never realized how important volunteering was to my mental health recovery, until I was so happy for her I could cry . 

Single and Not Fabulous

My friend and I (who is also single) share funny little online things to each other about being single. We are both battling our biological clocks to a degree but also busy being awesome full time. Last night; she sent me this article http://www.thedatereport.com/dating/advice/stop-telling-single-women-theyre-fabulous/

I read it this morning and it really struck me. I am single, that's ok. Part of me feels compelled to compensate for my lack of husband and children by being a superstar at work. I think a lot of that is cultural pressure: as a 31 year old single woman, shouldn't I be gunning for the executive suite? I want to have a well balanced fulfilled life and this article reminded me that it is ok to feel this way and to not be shackled to my marital status as a primary identifier. 

So here I am, single and awesome. 

February

Here’s where my mind has been recently: I’m really glad that whole national news story with T hasn’t blown up. There is still an opportunity for that to happen, but so far I haven’t seen his face on the opening credits of the Today show when I’m running late to work. I don’t like how I’ve been thinking about him more lately. He apparently proposed to his girlfriend which has been difficult to digest. I wasn’t even allowed to discuss our future after 5+ years, but go ahead, propose to someone you just started dating. I’ve caught myself thinking of ways to anonymously torture him, not sure why. 

I didn’t want to online date in November/December because I felt like it would be a bunch of weirdos who were anxious to have a significant other by Christmas. I can channel my gift giving energies into my friends and family thankyouverymuch. Now, I’m worried the same thing is happening with Valentine’s Day. I haven’t liked V-day since I got dumped on Valentine’s day 1999. People get crazy this time of year. It’s not a real holiday, stop judging yourself! My bff and I decided to make it a friends holiday several years ago and have roped her wife into the mix. This year I even got their 3 dogs a gift, because I was in Target and they were selling treats in heart shaped boxes. Anyway, I’m hesitant to even consider online dating for the next two weeks for that reason alone. I’m really feeling like my last 3 experiences online were so terrible and made me feel so badly about myself, that I’d really rather not do it again, but how am I supposed to meet someone? 

Which brings me to my final topic: How am I supposed to meet someone? As a person who likes to plan ahead and account for possible future scenarios, who doesn’t like uncertainty so much so that she nearly failed her pass/fail class “Decision Making in Times of Uncertainty”, I don’t like this waiting thing. I know, I know, it happens when you least expect it, blah blah blah. I’m not the kind of girl who reads the last page of the book first (that never made sense to me) or reads spoilers, but I want to know how this journey will end. I am really trying to focus on just polishing myself up, and working on my confidence, I am. I believe God has a plan for me, and “he” is out there somewhere, but I find myself filling my spare time with women’s networking groups and the Boys & Girls Club….which aren’t exactly hot spots for single, age appropriate men. We’ll see how the story develops I think it helps for me to word vomit here on occasion, I hope to start posting more soon.

Strange

So I got emailed a link to a news story tonight that involves T. The story appears to be going national and it definitely involves his most recent girlfriend. So bizarre. 

I hope this doesn't become a big deal. 

Fun thing to repeat to myself

I saw this on New Year's Day on Facebook and it's stuck with me.
I think for me particularly 2012 and parts of 2013 were rough and I'm anxious for an awesome year in 2014.
I keep singing it to myself (in my head) like only a musical theater geek can.

Just thought I'd share.

Obligatory NYE Post

I haven't been good about blogging lately, I'm not entirely sure it can be blamed on my busy work and school schedule. It might be because I'm in a much better place than I was when I started this blog. It occurred to me that I could read last year's post but that would likely bum me out. 

Moving on....

This is my favorite holiday. I love spending NYE and the days surrounding it with my faux family (my parents' best friends and their kids) and not putting so much pressure on going out and ripping it up. Our typical routine is to hang out, go to the movies and binge eat our favorite foods. Spending NYE in yoga pants is actually pretty awesome. 

My other favorite aspect of this time of year is that I don't have to work and I have a chance to just reflect and re-center myself.  I've been thinking about this past year and how I'm a little disappointed with where I am now. I'm at my heaviest weight and have no love life to speak of. However, I also have a better job than last year and I have one class left in my MBA program. I'm trying to think of 2013 as my "rebuilding year" and 2014 as the year when everything awesome happens. I'm like that football team that had some major injuries in September and didn't make the playoffs, but next season I will be healthy and a major contender.  I don't have a set resolution, but I want to focus on me this year. I think the time to heal and readjust is over and now it is the time to improve. I think if I am happier with myself  (my bank account, the number on the scale, included even through I wish it didn't matter) the positive energy I put out will help the rest of the pieces fall into place. 

So that's my plan for now: work on being more awesome. :-) I'll try to blog more too. 

It's Holiday Season Again.

I just re-read the post I published after last Thanksgiving. I definitely had a migraine for most of the day Thursday and that was miserable, but I am definitely entering this holiday with less trepidation. I think I'm actually excited. I'm a little anxious about the potential family drama but that is par for the course and definitely not related to me being single.

This year it's Thanksgivukkah or however you want to call it. I'm excited to spend Hanukkah with my two little cousins (and their new baby sister) again this year. I can't help but be reminded of where I was this time last year when I flew to Chicago to see them. Really the only thing I miss is the random weight loss from the stress. :)

Just a few things that are semi-related:

1) School and work are cray-cray. I'm really disappointed by one of the classes I'm taking. I'm not sure I learned very much of anything. I probably would have learned more if I just read the Wall Street Journal for several hours a week. I don't think I'm going to get a good grade and I totally had a meltdown about it a few weeks ago. We're talking crying hysterically on the phone while driving from school to my apartment meltdown. It was therapeutic (so my Mom says). Work is always extra crazy this time of year, but there is extra pressure with my new job that makes failure so much worse. However, I did just get an award with my old team, so yay last spring me?

2) It's been over 6 months since I've really dated. It's strange. I want to be dating, but yet don't have the patience for the BS associated with it. I'm trying to focus on the upside of being single in December: only one family to deal with/schedule and avoiding the awkward "how much am I supposed to spend on him?" situation. I hated online dating so much, I'm not sure if I can put myself through it. And soon the age next to my user name will be 31. Maybe my opener should be "I promise I won't get pregnant by accident to try to get you to propose to me within 6 months because my biological clock is ticking!" Seriously, that's what I'd think about a 31 year old woman on a dating site.

3) So last year, I was semi dating someone else but it just didn't work out well and sort of went up in flames. He had blocked me on facebook and gchat, so I was a little surprised to hear from him a few weeks ago via email. He was making small talk, and I responded at first, but ultimately I am not impressed by his latest efforts. My main issue with him is that I wanted to be pursued a little and he wanted to be chased. I don't see how that could have changed, and if it has, I'm going to need more than a subject-less email asking me how I am to prove that he's ready to put in the effort. Also, when we went through our non-break up, he showed a side of himself that I was completely turned off by. Furthermore, two of my best friends don't like him and are opposed to me communicating with him at all. I'm not going to spend more of my life trying to let everyone think that my relationship is amazing. However, I just want to be pursued a little. It'd be nice.

I am, in general, happy. I do really enjoy my job even though it may or may not result in a glass of wine before bed on occasion. I'm almost done with my MBA and I can't wait to have that accomplishment under my belt....and have my life back. I've been gaining weight as a byproduct of my schedule, but I've accepted it and will just kick my own ass in a few weeks. I have awesome friends and I've spent the last few weekends with my family and "family". I still marvel a little at how great it is to make my own schedule without someone putting me down or judging my choices. I hope that goes away soon, but whatever. :)

Happy Thanksgivukkah!

Migraines and scars

Last week, I met with my doctor to discuss my migraines. I've had them for a few years, but recently my prescription hasn't been working very well. We know that they are at least partially stress related but so far I haven't found a particular trigger that's unavoidable. I know stress and periods are unavoidable. Anyway, it got me thinking about ways to reduce my stress level. 

I have always wanted to be a runner. Someone who could just work out happily anywhere in the world, someone who is skinny without trying so hard. So I feel like running in the morning would be a great multiask. However, why do I want to be thinner? Because some part of me thinks I could be more attractive and perhaps that is why I'm still single. I hate that small part of me, but I can't ignore that little bitch. I know I stress out a bit about being single. Some of the women in my family have gotten out of super long term, serious relationships and never seemed to find anyone else. I just don't want that to be my legacy. I know I'm only 30, but seriously, I thought I'd be making plans for babies soon.

As I reflected on what I might now refer to as "the little bitch", I realize that she is primarily shaped by T. T had me convinced (knowingly or not) that I wasn't quite good enough. I needed to be thinner, I needed to have healthier financials, I needed to skip lunch and wear more white. Despite all of this time, it pisses me off that any of that kind of thinking still enters into my mind at all. I guess I still have some scar tissue. 

Luckily for me (and not so lucky for the little bitch), I have great friends that will remind me that I'm awesome (and I believe them) and understand that when I let the little bitch out for a minute it isn't a reflection of how I feel most of the time, but if I let her escape a little bit at a time, maybe all of her will be gone for good. 

Text messages

I have a tendency to screen capture fun texts I exchange with people. Sometimes I scroll back trough my camera roll and giggle. These are a few of my current favorites: 

This one is pretty self explanatory. My mom is a bit of a feminist and taught us the virtues of wearing appropriate clothing (especially for the first day of school).

Kate is my BFF. She is married to a woman and also works for a major GLBT lobbying organization. 

This is my sister. She has a tendency to seek revenge on people who have done her wrong. When she got woken up in the middle of the night in college because a full beer can flew through her window and into her bed, those girls got kicked out of the dorms. 

Pretty sure no one else will find these funny, but whatever, I am smiling. 

Sunday smiles

I've come to realize the last few weekends that each weekend I've had the last few months have been great. I am really starting to feel settled into my life with great friends and plenty to do.

Today I have way too much to do. I'm really anxious to just be done with school!

Back to work for me!

Just when you think you're in the clear...

So what's really funny about a break up after a long term relationship is just when you think you've completely cleared every aspect of that person out of your life and are on your merry way, something totally random catches you off guard. See email to my mom below:

Subject: I need my own sitcom...for serious

Got a call from Sleepy's yesterday to say my mattress would be delivered by 2:15. I figured it was a wrong number somehow and ignored it.
Today the driver called me to be like "hey, i'm here." So I said, well that's my number but I didn't order a mattress.
Then! I get a call for (my full name mispronounced) about how they need to release the driver if I don't show up at my front door soon for this mattress. So I called back.

I said "Well I'm really confused because I've never purchased a mattress from you."

"Do you live up in B*****?"

"Oh.....well....so that would be my ex-boyfriend.....this is awkward....I'll give you his number"

"Ok, I'm really sorry about that. Your name must have been on the form from 2011."

"Omg....gross...warranty claim? I don't want to know"

(laughing) "I'm sorry about that."

"Call T....(number)"

"Ok, I''ll tell him you said hi." (laughs)

(laughs) "Yeah, no thank you. I'm sure this will crack up your co-workers later."

So now I'm stuck with all this mental imagery regarding T and his bed. No thank you! I'm just hoping it was the dog's fault....(Side note: I think I was replaced by a golden retriever).

File this under "things that only happen to me"

A New Year

It's Rosh Hashanah, which means Jewish New Year. It's also been One year and three days since I moved into my very own apartment. It's a lot to reflect on. I have been thinking about this post for a while and I have to admit I am totally winging it. 

So let's start with an update: fall semester started up again last night. I always get anxious about the unknown at the start of the semester. Some professors come off as so serious and demanding in their syllabi, but end up being teddy bears. At the very least, this is my second to last semester! I'm starting to get into a stride with my new job. I'm definitely not comfortable yet and so many of my coworkers have been on the program for decades, so I know I have a long way to go. 

Last weekend I spent a few days with my BFF and her family. I had done the same thing last July during a work shut down, before things fully went south with T. It was an interesting comparison.  On Sunday evening when we were toasting before dinner, I had reminded everyone of my freedom anniversary and they all rejoiced.  I had bought myself a present: a silver feather bangle, but decided to not wear it until Tuesday when I got back home. It's a nice reminder of where I have come in the last year. 

As I drove my BFF to the airport on Monday, we reflected on the weekend and where my personal life is at the moment. I declared that this past year was about me healing and resetting, but this coming year is about me perfecting and really focusing on me. 

So with that, we'll have to see what happens. I will try to continue to blog. 

August

So, it's been a year since the big break up.  I was aware that the anniversary was approaching, but it was weird because I sort of remembered it haphazardly while reminding myself of my parents' anniversary.  It was sort of a "oh yeah!" moment.  I can't believe it's been that long.  So I've spent sometime thinking about where I've come in the last year.

A few weeks ago, I decided to quit online dating (again). Even though I don't have any real prospects on the horizon (which is a little scary, not going to lie), I'm pretty happy with my decision. The level of effort involved was just not worth the outcome. I just feel like I'm a pretty socially high functioning person and maybe online isn't a great medium for me to meet people.  Not to mention, I'm pretty convinced the fact that I'm 30 is discouraging guys.  By not being proactive, I actually feel better about the whole thing, as counter intuitive as it sounds. I'm trying to just focus on me and put out positive energy and hoping the universe/God/my guardian angel do the rest.

So I feel like I've grown a lot this past year. In the fall, it almost felt like I had regressed back to where I was at 23 before T.  But I think I've built upon the 23 year old me and feel like the 30 year old version of myself is really me.  I'm the girl that is calm and easy going. I'm the girl that can't commit to a diet because she's sure she'll just bail in a week, but is totally ok with it. I'm the girl that watches absolute garbage on TV but will throw down in an intelligent conversation. I'm a nerd who doesn't really like other nerds (but seems to be a nerd boy magnet, WTF). My general rule of thumb lately has been CTFD (Calm the Fuck Down). I see myself as happy, but still have outlined some improvement plans for the next year. I would like to be completely 100% happy with myself. I know I'm not a perfectionist, so I think this is possible.  This includes: losing weight the right way, paying down my debt so I can start to explore home ownership, finishing my MBA, making more friends and settling into 30 year old me (even though at some point I'll be 31). I'm confident that it can happen and that everything will fall into place.

Funny

Just a quick one. This article cracked me up.  Every so often, I think about how I would react if I ran into T. I'm pretty sure I'd say "hi" and walk away.  The "hi" would come out as if I just got surprised by something crazy and I'm not sure if it's a good thing.

My sister confessed to me this weekend that she'd like 5 minutes alone with T to tell him off. We agreed it wouldn't really be worth the energy.

Anyway:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/22/running-into-your-ex_n_3582280.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003