Migraines and scars

Last week, I met with my doctor to discuss my migraines. I've had them for a few years, but recently my prescription hasn't been working very well. We know that they are at least partially stress related but so far I haven't found a particular trigger that's unavoidable. I know stress and periods are unavoidable. Anyway, it got me thinking about ways to reduce my stress level. 

I have always wanted to be a runner. Someone who could just work out happily anywhere in the world, someone who is skinny without trying so hard. So I feel like running in the morning would be a great multiask. However, why do I want to be thinner? Because some part of me thinks I could be more attractive and perhaps that is why I'm still single. I hate that small part of me, but I can't ignore that little bitch. I know I stress out a bit about being single. Some of the women in my family have gotten out of super long term, serious relationships and never seemed to find anyone else. I just don't want that to be my legacy. I know I'm only 30, but seriously, I thought I'd be making plans for babies soon.

As I reflected on what I might now refer to as "the little bitch", I realize that she is primarily shaped by T. T had me convinced (knowingly or not) that I wasn't quite good enough. I needed to be thinner, I needed to have healthier financials, I needed to skip lunch and wear more white. Despite all of this time, it pisses me off that any of that kind of thinking still enters into my mind at all. I guess I still have some scar tissue. 

Luckily for me (and not so lucky for the little bitch), I have great friends that will remind me that I'm awesome (and I believe them) and understand that when I let the little bitch out for a minute it isn't a reflection of how I feel most of the time, but if I let her escape a little bit at a time, maybe all of her will be gone for good. 

Text messages

I have a tendency to screen capture fun texts I exchange with people. Sometimes I scroll back trough my camera roll and giggle. These are a few of my current favorites: 

This one is pretty self explanatory. My mom is a bit of a feminist and taught us the virtues of wearing appropriate clothing (especially for the first day of school).

Kate is my BFF. She is married to a woman and also works for a major GLBT lobbying organization. 

This is my sister. She has a tendency to seek revenge on people who have done her wrong. When she got woken up in the middle of the night in college because a full beer can flew through her window and into her bed, those girls got kicked out of the dorms. 

Pretty sure no one else will find these funny, but whatever, I am smiling. 

Sunday smiles

I've come to realize the last few weekends that each weekend I've had the last few months have been great. I am really starting to feel settled into my life with great friends and plenty to do.

Today I have way too much to do. I'm really anxious to just be done with school!

Back to work for me!

Just when you think you're in the clear...

So what's really funny about a break up after a long term relationship is just when you think you've completely cleared every aspect of that person out of your life and are on your merry way, something totally random catches you off guard. See email to my mom below:

Subject: I need my own sitcom...for serious

Got a call from Sleepy's yesterday to say my mattress would be delivered by 2:15. I figured it was a wrong number somehow and ignored it.
Today the driver called me to be like "hey, i'm here." So I said, well that's my number but I didn't order a mattress.
Then! I get a call for (my full name mispronounced) about how they need to release the driver if I don't show up at my front door soon for this mattress. So I called back.

I said "Well I'm really confused because I've never purchased a mattress from you."

"Do you live up in B*****?"

"Oh.....well....so that would be my ex-boyfriend.....this is awkward....I'll give you his number"

"Ok, I'm really sorry about that. Your name must have been on the form from 2011."

"Omg....gross...warranty claim? I don't want to know"

(laughing) "I'm sorry about that."

"Call T....(number)"

"Ok, I''ll tell him you said hi." (laughs)

(laughs) "Yeah, no thank you. I'm sure this will crack up your co-workers later."

So now I'm stuck with all this mental imagery regarding T and his bed. No thank you! I'm just hoping it was the dog's fault....(Side note: I think I was replaced by a golden retriever).

File this under "things that only happen to me"

A New Year

It's Rosh Hashanah, which means Jewish New Year. It's also been One year and three days since I moved into my very own apartment. It's a lot to reflect on. I have been thinking about this post for a while and I have to admit I am totally winging it. 

So let's start with an update: fall semester started up again last night. I always get anxious about the unknown at the start of the semester. Some professors come off as so serious and demanding in their syllabi, but end up being teddy bears. At the very least, this is my second to last semester! I'm starting to get into a stride with my new job. I'm definitely not comfortable yet and so many of my coworkers have been on the program for decades, so I know I have a long way to go. 

Last weekend I spent a few days with my BFF and her family. I had done the same thing last July during a work shut down, before things fully went south with T. It was an interesting comparison.  On Sunday evening when we were toasting before dinner, I had reminded everyone of my freedom anniversary and they all rejoiced.  I had bought myself a present: a silver feather bangle, but decided to not wear it until Tuesday when I got back home. It's a nice reminder of where I have come in the last year. 

As I drove my BFF to the airport on Monday, we reflected on the weekend and where my personal life is at the moment. I declared that this past year was about me healing and resetting, but this coming year is about me perfecting and really focusing on me. 

So with that, we'll have to see what happens. I will try to continue to blog. 

August

So, it's been a year since the big break up.  I was aware that the anniversary was approaching, but it was weird because I sort of remembered it haphazardly while reminding myself of my parents' anniversary.  It was sort of a "oh yeah!" moment.  I can't believe it's been that long.  So I've spent sometime thinking about where I've come in the last year.

A few weeks ago, I decided to quit online dating (again). Even though I don't have any real prospects on the horizon (which is a little scary, not going to lie), I'm pretty happy with my decision. The level of effort involved was just not worth the outcome. I just feel like I'm a pretty socially high functioning person and maybe online isn't a great medium for me to meet people.  Not to mention, I'm pretty convinced the fact that I'm 30 is discouraging guys.  By not being proactive, I actually feel better about the whole thing, as counter intuitive as it sounds. I'm trying to just focus on me and put out positive energy and hoping the universe/God/my guardian angel do the rest.

So I feel like I've grown a lot this past year. In the fall, it almost felt like I had regressed back to where I was at 23 before T.  But I think I've built upon the 23 year old me and feel like the 30 year old version of myself is really me.  I'm the girl that is calm and easy going. I'm the girl that can't commit to a diet because she's sure she'll just bail in a week, but is totally ok with it. I'm the girl that watches absolute garbage on TV but will throw down in an intelligent conversation. I'm a nerd who doesn't really like other nerds (but seems to be a nerd boy magnet, WTF). My general rule of thumb lately has been CTFD (Calm the Fuck Down). I see myself as happy, but still have outlined some improvement plans for the next year. I would like to be completely 100% happy with myself. I know I'm not a perfectionist, so I think this is possible.  This includes: losing weight the right way, paying down my debt so I can start to explore home ownership, finishing my MBA, making more friends and settling into 30 year old me (even though at some point I'll be 31). I'm confident that it can happen and that everything will fall into place.

Funny

Just a quick one. This article cracked me up.  Every so often, I think about how I would react if I ran into T. I'm pretty sure I'd say "hi" and walk away.  The "hi" would come out as if I just got surprised by something crazy and I'm not sure if it's a good thing.

My sister confessed to me this weekend that she'd like 5 minutes alone with T to tell him off. We agreed it wouldn't really be worth the energy.

Anyway:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/22/running-into-your-ex_n_3582280.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003