Blogging habit?

So while I was traveling in Istanbul and Athens for a school trip, I kept a blog religiously. It was the easiest way to send my family updates and I think it was a success. So then I got used to blogging everyday, and then I just stopped. Maybe I can funnel some of that blogging habit into this blog again. I know that I get page views, but I'm not exactly sure who really reads this, not that I'm writing for attention.

Anyway, my trip was amazing. I would love to go back to Istanbul and also visit other parts of Greece.

Re-activated my Okcupid account last night (this is my 3rd time). Not sure I'm ready for the real thing yet, but it will be nice to get some positive attention that isn't from a creepy Iraqi guy that saw an American girl in shorts in a hotel lobby and decided he needed to take her out for dinner.....That was so not ok.  Ah....adventures.

Was introduced at my Grandfather's wake this weekend as "the one that isn't married." Yep, I'm the un-married sister. I'm almost over my dad referring to me as "My daughter, the engineer" which feels fraudulent since I haven't "engineered" anything in a while.  Spending my first memorial day weekend on dry land, at a wake, and now I'm a spinster. Grrrrreeeat. 

Just started a new job. It's strange to be so comfortable and confused all at once. Anxious to know my new products, excited to have more responsibilities, not sure how I feel about having a work assigned smart phone. 

Trying to see the upside in these things, but in the meantime, I'm just so single. Maybe that will make for interesting posts?

Don't stand too close...

So in Game of Thrones, there is a character who is mostly a bad guy, but more importantly, he was scarred on his face as a child from fire. He probably wasn't going to be a good looking guy anyway, but it sort of makes him extra beastly. Even though this character is very brave and a good fighter, he gets crazy around fire. He abandons an important battle once they started setting everything aflame. At first it seems like an elephant being afraid of a mouse, but then you remember why he is so terrified and almost forgive him.

There were certain things that T would say to me that never sat well with me, but I didn't realize just how deeply he was cutting me until after I moved out. Several months ago a male friend was giving me unsolicited advice on working out and I just felt irrationally offended. I finally explained that I really didn't need help and I really didn't want to talk about it and why. I was hoping that it was just a raw wound, but today I found myself getting upset by a similar conversation again. I shouldn't be so offended, I'm the one that opened up the talk of wanting to be thinner. I don't like watching my calories or doing anything in particular. Eventually I just crack and it goes downhill. I much prefer to just try to be as active as possible and eat as healthy as possible. I managed to gracefully end the topic of conversation without an explanation. I'm really trying not to talk about T anymore. Crap....I hope the blog doesn't count.

Anyway, I really hope these old scars heal over to the point where I don't think about it anymore....time will tell.

Throwbacks

As part of setting up my ipad, I have been fiddling with my playlists on all of my devices. Unfortunately, I have SO many songs on my old laptop, which doesn't exactly have a working screen. At some point I might need to risk the seizure to retrieve them, because I'm sure there are plenty of treasures on there.

As part of my healing process and trying to remember who I am, I find myself reverting back to the 23 year old version of myself. Unfortunately for my biological clock, I'm still 30 in real life. This combined with my recently rediscovered mp3's, has been quite interesting. I find my old songs soothing and cheerful even if the subject matter is not remotely cheerful. The best part is, that I still remember ALL the lyrics. 

Looking forward to my ongoing musical discovery...

I'm a Bad Blogger....but I expected this

So I am terrible at being religious about journal entries and blogs. It happens. I'm just going to outline some updates and then I will try to be better in the future.

In no particular order:

• Finished Spring semester.....grades come out tomorrow. I'm more nervous than I remember during this program.... Just checked on a whim....did not do great, but I think my GPA will be ok.
• On a whim during finals, I re-activated my okcupid account. I met this guy, and we dated for a few weeks, but then he did the quick fade away. I'm feeling strangely relieved by it.
• Before him, I was half dating someone...semi-regularly hooking up....it was frustrating and annoying. I eventually had to break it off. It was the longest non-break up of my life. Took 5 days until he finally blocked me on gchat to get the last word in. Fine by me!
• Prepping for a 12 day trip to Istanbul & Athens with school. I'm so excited. 
• Now that summer is approaching, the reality of not being busy all the time on the boat is started to set in.  It will be interesting to see how I deal with that going forward. 
• Got an ipad (mini) for the trip last Friday. Love it. I decided to name it Q after Q in James Bond. My kindle, is named Agatha. As in Agatha Christie.  Didn't bring Q to work today, and I'm going through withdrawals. Damn you Apple crack.
• Spent an amazing Saturday with my mom. We saw the MFA's Art in Bloom exhibit. It was awesome. Then we saw Thoroughly Modern Millie (musical) in Stoneham. 

Ok that's it for now. I'll try to be better. 

30

So I am now 30 years and 5 days old. Seems weird to have my age start with a 3. When my mom was my age, she had a 2 week old baby (me), when her mother was my age she was already widowed with two kids in elementary school. Part of me is anxious for adulthood, just a part.

Spent last weekend with family in New York City. It was great and my goal of surviving birthday without a meltdown was achieved. I was worried about being single and feeling disappointed about it.

I'm starting to feel ready to be on a relationship again. I'm terribly busy with school and what not, but I think I could sacrifice some me time for someone else if they were worth it. I quit the online dating thing a few weeks ago, but would consider picking up on okcupid again after spring semester. It is just such a chore to keep up with.

I have been talking to a guy a lot in the last month and we've hooked up a few times. I think I've neglected to write about it because something about it hasn't been sitting well with me and I didn't want the opportunity to process it in written word. I know that I am probably being hyper sensitive to anything potentially negative, but I know that I ignored and justified so many terrible things about T and our relationship. Lately I have this unshakeable feeling that he is hiding something or someone from me. I know that I'm a pretty open person with a tendency to overshare, but this seems like more than average space. I'm not used to early stages of dating or whatever this is. I feel like T and I just sort of went from 0 to serious in a few weeks, and that was 6 years ago. It's a sticky situation because I want to be open, honest and address the situation, but I'm not sure how appropriate that would be. We'll see!!

New Year's Resolutions

I feel semi-obligated to write this post as someone who has a blog. I wouldn't call myself a "blogger" per say, but still.  Resolutions are usually something that I am really into, or completely pass by. I'm never one to force them. Also, as a Jew, I have the advantage of getting a chance in early fall to make resolutions as well. For those of you who are paying attention, early fall was particularly tumultuous for me, so any resolutions I make now would just be coming from a much different place.

One year, my new year's resolution was to stop crossing arms in front of my chest. There were a few times where I would catch myself doing it and have a small freak out then throw my arms down like Sister Mary Margaret of SNL. I'm pretty sure that doing that was weirder than the negative vibes crossing your arms puts out. I still try to avoid this gesture, and am significantly more conscious of it when I do allow myself to do it.

Since I broke up with T, I've been working hard to be happy and improving myself. This includes reconnecting with my friends and family and getting healthier. I have lost some weight, but I can't quantify it because I left the scale I owned at the house I shared with T and haven't replaced it. I feel like I'm in a good place right now, but would still like to strive for some things in the year to come.

Happy 2013!

Relationship corner, latkes and finals

So I haven't been posting a lot lately. School temporarily took over my life. I feel like every semester seems so awful towards the end. Happy to report that I'm on my way to my finance final which officially ends the semester. This was my 5th semester and my first one single. So much has changed since September. I even talked to T on my first day as I did in the precious 4 semesters. Strange to imagine. I know I'm putti a lot of pressure on myself this semester because I have been single and could devote more time to school work. We will see.

Last weekend, I visited my Chicago cousins for Hanukkah. It wasn't so much planned that I'd be there for the holiday, but I'm glad I was. The girls are growing up too fast for me to only see them in the summer. Hanukkah was a huge success and I made my first latkes without my mom or sister watching. I managed to get some studying in too and hopefully tonight will go well.

My cousin I is married to this amazing woman M. They are one of those couples that just for so perfectly together and it's an added bonus that I get to have her it family too. Years ago, M was frustrated with her single marital status. Her sister in law helped her fung shui her apartment and famously removed the dirty laundry from her relationship corner. One month later, M and I met and the rest is history. We discussed this over the weekend and she lent me the red vase that replaced her dirty laundry and landed her a husband. We'll see if it works. We were joking thy I would mail I back after the honeymoon and that if they started to argue more I would send it back in a hurry. Not sure I completely buy into this stuff, but it is fun nonetheless.

I feel like I'm opening myself up to dating a little more, but that will be another post.