2 years....a little late

It’s been just over two years since I moved out on my own, and I have been reflecting on where I am compared to where I thought I’d be.

 Overall, I continue to be in a really good place. I am happy, and continue to grow more and more comfortable with myself. My goal for myself was to really figure out who I am without someone’s influence and get used to being that person. As I’m sure I’ve mentioned here before, I really don’t want to let another relationship change who I am.

 I really thought that by now, I’d be in another relationship, but sadly I am not. For a while, I just didn’t want to deal with all the dating drama while I was finishing business school, but now I think I’m more open to the idea. What is difficult is the pressure of the entire situation. I know my family and my close friends would like to see me settled, I would like to see me settled, but husbands aren’t Amazon Prime eligible.

 We’ll see how that all goes. I might actually get back into internet dating in the next few months. Lord help me.

Meds

After 7 weeks of tapering, tonight is my first night in several years (4 maybe?) where I am going to sleep without taking a Zoloft first. 

This is part of a two part change:

- I want to get off Zoloft so I can take different meds when I get migraines 

- I wanted to decrease my meds after I finished my MBA 

I have felt fine through the tapering and I assume I will continue to not feel different. I'm excited to have one less pharmaceutical in my blood stream. 

Things That Only Happen to Me

I have a reoccurring theme with my twitter and facebook posts, as well as text messages to my sister, mother and friends: Things That Only Happen to Me and its sister category: Things That Only I Would Say. I thought I'd share some examples: 

Today's: "Mood of the afternoon compltely turned around by the bag of Jelly Belly's found in my purse. #thingsthatonlyhappentome" 

"I get PTSD flashbacks from drywall dust" #thingsonlyiwouldsay 

"I bought a sodastream because I saw one on sale in pink. Yes, Pink is why I finally pulled the trigger." 

"Tuesday: broke a mirror, learned the zip code in Bahrain, got a voicemail from a 3 year old asking for a cape....day in the life"

Dating Humor

When I re-entered the dating world over a year ago, I discovered the horrors of "Dick Pics". I had always operated under the Seinfeld theory of Good Naked (women) and Bad Naked (men). And it's not like I don't like male parts, I just don't need them eye-raping me on my phone. This infographic cracked me up. 

Weddings

This past weekend I traveled to VA to celebrate my good friend's marriage. She eloped exactly one year ago, but wanted to celebrate with their families for their anniversary. She had also announced to us via email a few weeks ago that they are expecting a baby in November.

Overall, it was a really fun weekend. I was a little anxious about how it would be since I knew I would be spending a lot of non stop time with some of my college friends and I wasn't sure how that would go. It was mostly not dramatic and very fun. 

This might be the first wedding I've been to since right before I moved out on my own. That wedding was super super painful. This wedding was significantly less upsetting but some jealousy did tug at me. I see the way the not-so-new couple look at each other and want that. I don't necessarily want a southern church wedding, but I do crave a devoted husband and baby daddy (same guy, not one of each). I have to have faith that it's all going to happen in due course, but for some reason I feel like I'm running out of time to find the one and get married in my 30s. Then I think "seriously, you're only 31." I'm hoping to get over this sense of urgency soon, but I always have felt that if you want something you should take actions to get it and I'm not taking any actions to find a partner. I think it would be better if I think of being single as getting really comfortable and settled into who I am and what makes me happy, so that I'm ready for a healthy relationship. (I feel like I've said that here before). I'll try to focus on that aspect of my relationship status, but my empty uterus will probably over power my subconscious (I hate that bitch). 

Whoa

So I haven't written in a while. This semester was really crazy. I thought taking one class would be a breeze, but clearly I don't remember any classes being a breeze, not sure why I thought that would happen. Anyway, life got away from me, but I have an MBA!!! After Four years of classes, and even though I've been saying "I have most of an MBA" for the last several months, it doesn't quite feel real. I expect it won't hit me that I'm done with classes until September when I don't go back (I've been taking summers off). I haven't thought about T much since he showed up on abcnews.com in January, until this week. I never felt like he supported me going to business school and part of me wants to send him a picture of my diploma on Friday with my middle finger. I won't do it, but it would be satisfying to know that he knows how well I'm doing. I would say that the news will probably trickle back to him somehow, but I've really cut out all potential social connections. 

Last night, I had a dream that we had somehow gotten back together for a few months and I was trying to break up with him. I was sitting in my parents' dining room too, which was weird. He was trying to reject my break up and how I would miss him. I wouldn't even verbally respond, I just kept trying to run away. He isn't even worth arguing with in a dream! Crazy! Anyway, I'm so proud of myself for finishing my MBA, but so scared to pay off my loans. I think my online shopping days might have to end.....Wah wah.

Happy Tears

Nearly as soon as I had made a plan t move out on my own, I got in touch with the Boys and Girls Club I had volunteered with through work. I set myself up to be a homework room volunteer. This means I go and help kids with their homework who don't have the luxury of helicopter parents to help. I love it there. 

Occasionally I get a bratty kid who I have to remind that "I did my math homework in 4th grade, you have to do yours too", but for the most part I leave feeling as though I helped some kid figure it out. I have become the volunteer who will nearly beg the high school kids to help them with their math homework, or get a shit-eating grin from a coordinator when I walk in as they are struggling to help someone with chemistry. Somehow, last year I became a regular mentor to J, a junior in high school who was struggling with US History. Despite history not being my forte, we got into a good rhythm and her grade improved drastically. 

This year, we work on all of her classes, and I have finally convinced her that I am awesome at explaining math and we should have done THAT more last year. 

Tonight, J announced she had gotten into 4 colleges. She is going to college! Last year, in a darkish moment last year she said "well, if I don't get into college, I'll join the Air Force." I faked being supportive, but I was scared for her. Coming from a low income family and with her not so great grades, I worried she would end up in the Air Force and not at community college. Recounting this story tonight I started to tear up. I'm so proud of her and so excited. 

I never realized how important volunteering was to my mental health recovery, until I was so happy for her I could cry .